A Gentleman's Guide to Hooking Up

r u l e # 1

Rule #1 Choose your partner with caution

Before we talk about the dos, let's cover the don'ts. So here goes:

Don't hook up with stupid people. Scary people. Crazy people. Your exes. Your friends' exes. Your exes' friends. People who are in relationships. People who have a thing for you. People who are emotionally unstable or can easily become too attached. People who tweet about everything. People who you see often and can't escape from. People who don't floss.

See? It's really not easy selecting a partner. So when you do find one, cherish them.

......

Every Sunday evening, Jake's father would carefully search through the reviews on Zagat, pick a restaurant, and take his family out for dinner. He was a businessman too busy to be at home on most nights, but Sundays were special and he made an effort. Although Jake and Emily acted embarrassed to be seen with their parents (they were cool kids, after all, and parents weren't cool accessories), it was something they both secretly looked forward to.

They were allowed to order anything on the menu that sparked their interest, and Jake was always ravenous when he sat down. Everything looked tempting. It wasn't until the table was covered with empty plates and he was ready to puke did he start to wonder, how on earth did I get here? It felt as if an elephant grew in his stomach and he wasn't hungry anymore. He couldn't remember ever being hungry.

That, was how it felt like when he glanced over at what's-her-name--oh yes, Ashley--who was lying naked next to him on the bed, yapping nonstop about some celebrity scandal he couldn't care less about. Jake searched his memory but couldn't remember why he was so eager to have sex with her. Now that it was over and done with, his penis softened and his heart hardened, and Ashley had quickly slid down from a ten to a...six, at most, and that is if she shut up within the next five seconds.

"Do you think I'm fat?" she asked suddenly, twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

Jake could deal with questions concerning favorite positions and hard limits, but reassuring her about her body image was something she should torture her future husband with. "No, your body is perfect."

"Really? I don't like my thighs."

"You girls are too hard on yourselves. For us guys, we can accept anything within this range." Jake spread out both of his arms. "As long as you don't fall too far from norm and land over there"--he pointed across the room--"then it's fine. But honestly, you have a wonderful body."

"Thanks." She smiled as she inspected her nails. The paint on one of them was chipped. "Hey, so, my friend Jennifer is having a party next week. You should come. I can introduce you to everyone."

"Everyone?"

"I'd love for you to meet my friends." She snuggled closer against him, and Jake involuntarily flinched. Not sure if it was because of her words or the physical contact.

"I'm kind of busy next week."

What part of 'I don't want a relationship' don't you get, Ashley? This is sex. And it's over fifteen minutes ago. You should get going.

"I haven't even told you which day it is yet." She pouted.

"Look, Ash." Jake sighed. She seemed so cool before. She even said she just got out of a long-term relationship and the idea of anything serious turned her off. "I respect you, so I have to be honest. I thought we agreed to just have a fun afternoon together and that's all I want."

"You don't have to decide right now," she replied as if they spoke different languages. "It's next Friday, so there's plenty of time to make up your mind."