colors - calum au

1: stale beer

CHAPTER ONE:
STALE BEER

"My friends are standing in dark corners now, talking to boys who want to touch their skins but not their souls and certainly not both at the same time. I'm standing here wondering if I'm ever going to feel less lonely, less like I'm standing on the precipice waiting for something that doesn't want to come. I wrap my hands around myself and take a sip of this stale beer. Then I'm going to go home at 3 in the morning and crawl into my Mother's arms and cry all of my empty heart out over her nightshirt."

✖️ CJ

          I looked down at my shoes as I stood against the corner on the far back of the living room, isolating myself from the people who are grinding themselves against people who obviously didn't even have their images painted by different specks of hues and colors when they decided to grind themselves against strangers.

          Everyone's tired of not meeting someone who's made for them, and so am I. Loneliness has been creeping on me for so long and it's slowly starting to kill me. I get drunk on the thought of seeing what everyone sees, because this boring black and white world that is in front of me is so tiring to watch. Everything is just so boring. These people in this room are just as obsessed as I am with finding my soulmate. We don't care if we have to go every night in parties, raves, clubs and such just to find our soulmates, we're gonna have to do anything for the sake of finding our pair because this loneliness is slowly taking us over just to drag us down to the deepest depths of depression.

          Everyone has someone for themselves, right?

          But where is mine?

          People who can see colors are so obnoxious. Not that I want them dead for finding their other half, but it's because when they talk about how beautiful the colors are, it makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry for hours because I just want to see the world's ethereal beauty that they've always described but of course, we have to experience the dullness of the world for a very long time before we see its true beauty. We learned what the colors were from these people, it helped us, but for me, it didn't at the same time. They gave me knowledge about the colors they see and they helped, but when we talk about how these colors make me feel, then you can tell it didn't help me at all. Their passion when they talk about colors depress me. It gives me negative feelings only because I have no hope of finding my soulmate.

          I looked everywhere for them.

          ...but have they searched for me at all?

         This loneliness makes me think of the worst possible cases of scenarios. What if my soulmate lived thousands of miles away from me? Do they feel the same loneliness and absence I've always felt when their presence is still not standing in front of me? Do they force themselves to be with other people even if they have to spend the rest of their life in black and white because they were invalid together so that they won't feel the poisonous embrace of loneliness? What if, let's say, they're dead? Would I have to live my entire life, standing in the dark while waiting for them even if they wouldn't ever come? Maybe, by the grave, this life I had would finally be painted in colors because I had my soulmate waiting for me above there, maybe they were searching for me when they were still alive but the searched stopped when their heart beat for the very last time. Maybe, just maybe, my soulmate is somewhere near me and I wouldn't have to worry that they are either dead or alive or wherever they live, because I want them right beside me now to fulfill this empty space in my life.

          Desperation?

          You got that right.

          I'm so envious of everyone who found themselves someone to spend their eternal life with, but I know that some couples who are together didn't see colors when they met the one for them. My Mother and Father were a product of Blindness, as what they told me. They didn't really see colors when they met, but they fell in love with each other. I don't know how that happened, but it was possible. The term 'Blindness' was made by those ancient people who fell in love with someone who isn't made for them but they were able to make everything change in a matter of time. They were able to bend destiny and their visions started to fade into beautiful colors, but of course, I didn't believe in my parents. Maybe they were just as desperate as me to be able to leave loneliness so they married each other and up until this very moment, they're blind from colors?