UN REQUITED (boyxboy)

Four

I need to hear his voice one last time so I let go of my near empty bottle and reached into my pocket to get my cellphone.  I dial his phone number and it rings and rings and rings and then I get his voicemail, "You know what to do!" BEEP... "I  hope that by the time you get this message, I will be gone.  I don't want to see the look on your face when you find out what I did.  I know that I don't have much time left in this world and I wanted to say it just once.  I love you so, so much.  There could never have been anyone else but you.  With everything inside of me I believed you were my soulmate and I still do.  Please don't blame yourself for what I did.  I just could not take the pain anymore."  I end the call and close my eyes and see...

We have already been here for one week and it has been the best time of my entire life.  Conner and I have become inseparable once again.  We spent most of our time on the slopes skiing.  I almost feel like myself again.  Conner has also asked me numerous questions about my sexuality and I try to do my best to answer him without revealing my feelings for him.

It's very hard.  Just earlier today we were on the slopes taking a brief break and he asks, "What type of guy do you like?"  I give him a funny look and say, "What do you mean?"  "You know like what kind of guys are you attracted to?"  How in the hell was I supposed to answer that question without saying, Well look in the mirror and there is your answer!  That was just the tip of the iceberg.

His questions got more invasive and my answer to all of those, where the answer would be him, would instead be I DON'T KNOW.  I don't think he really believed me but for now, he is letting it go because we both are a little uncomfortable with the topic of my love life because it's new.  Trust me though, the time will come when he will require direct answers from me and I hope I will be better prepared to answer them.

Knowing that our time is coming to an end soon, I begin to slightly feel despair at the idea of going back to the way things were.  His intentions are good but he is weak and she is stronger so when she finally gets his hooks into him, I fear that it will be worse than ever before.  

I want to broach the subject of how things will be when our vacation is over but it just seems like his girlfriend is a sore subject right now.  I really want to enjoy what little time we have left in peace and tranquility.  There are so many activities that we have done together and my soul feels rejuvenated somehow with him by my side again.  

"Hey, what's wrong?"  Conner asks of me which meant that I must have had an unhappy look come across my face so I look up at his perfect face and genuinely smile at him and say, "Nothing, nothing at all!"  "That is not what your face said."  "Conner, I really am fine okay.", and to make my point I walk out of the room we were currently occupying in the hopes of avoiding any kinds of confrontation.

Before I get too far, I feel his hands wrap around my forearm and pull me back into his chest as he whispers in my ear, "Where the heck do you think you're going?  We have things to do so finish getting ready and let's go!"  Oh my God!  My whole body just caught on fire and I am pretty sure I just stopped breathing.  I stepped out of his hold and quickly went to finish getting ready for today's activities.

I head straight for our attached bathroom, close and lock the door and just brace my back against the door and just breath.  I close my eyes and try to concentrate on getting my hormones under control.  I am so damn hard right now that I am pretty sure I won't be able to get in my ski gear with this problem.

Eventually as I feel myself finally calm down I am scared out of what's left of my hard on when Conner bangs on the bathroom door effectively shaking me and yelling, "Hurry the hell up Ioan or will miss the lift and I want to go already!"  I clear my throat and say, "One second.  I will meet you downstairs okay!"  So I hear him leave our room and I finally calm down enough to get myself together.

As I begin to descend the stairs I hear voices downstairs and don't recognize all of them.  As my curiosity peaks, I begin to move a bit faster and then suddenly stop dead in my track before I can be seen at the bottom of the stairs.

I hear the one voice I thought to be free from for another week.  Deirdre!  What the hell is she doing here.  All I hear is Conner's absolute and total joy at having her here.  All of the happiness I felt these past few days completely fades and all I have left is anger, despair and disbelief at the fact that she is indeed here.

I quietly go back up into our room and begin to divest myself of all of the ski gear I had on.  I lay down on my bed and curl up into as tight a ball as I could and just pray that I can get through the pain.  Sometimes the pain is just so intense it vibrates throughout my entire body and can leave me weak for days.

The despair begins to set in and leaves me shaking and sweating in anguish.  Suddenly, I hear a set of foot steps coming into the room and running towards me.  I feel my mother's hands begin to rub up and down my back and feel my forehead.  "Sweetheart you're burning up and shaking.  You stay in bed okay and I will let everyone know you are not feeling well and will stay behind."  Somehow I nod my ascent and she wraps me up in my blanket and then she goes downstairs but leaves my bedroom door open.

"Looks like Ioan is running a fever.  I am staying here to look after him just in case he gets worse." my mom says.  I hear my dad say he will stay as well but my mom tells him to go and if she needs him she will call him.  I also hear Conner's parents voices worried and asking questions.  I do not hear a single peep from Conner and the knowledge that it is back to me not being that important to him just causes my heart to crack a bit more.

I don't think there is much left of my heart and soon, I know that there is only one way for all of my pain to finally stop...