Swan

3. Miracle

3. Miracle

The days stopped crawling by, in fact, they sped incredibly fast. I was able to jump out of bed at 5:30 in the morning to go to school. Somehow, I was surviving each and every day, and it seemed like a miracle. The thought of the one I once loved became more distant and I could not feel what I had felt for him before, I could not remember the happiness he once brought me.

In all honesty, once he was gone, I tried looking for another. All the boys I thought seemed alright, good enough, I talked to. And all of them just didn't spark the same interest that my ex did.

And as each boy came and went and my friends had already disappeared, I lost interest in the world altogether. It seemed empty, so...dead. Killed by those who inhabited it.

Everything just became gray. Even bright colors did not seem so vivid anymore. Not to mention the constant criticism of my parents, the disappointment they expressed every time I walked into the room. The shame they felt of not having such a perfect daughter.

I was not like other kids. I listened to punk music, I was not concerned about my clothes, shoes or image, and I thought about things most kids didn't. Was that really such a crime? Was I really that much of a disappointment as a daughter? What did it matter anyway? I am not here to please anyone, I am here to live. And that is my only obligation.

For a long time I turned to God, he was my only comfort, my salvation.

I prayed lots during this period of my depression. If no one would listen to me, why not talk to the man whose head was literally up in the clouds? The man who never answered my cries for help. Not to my knowledge anyway.

I did have faith in God, afterall, what else did I have left? I just no longer believed God was a very kind, gentle man. He certainly was not gentle with me.

But sometimes, he dropped little miracles here and there to help his people out with terrible situations like mine.

And my little miracle was Zane. Somehow, after Zane, my life slowly came a bit more into focus, shaper. I saw the world a bit more differently.

Although, Zane could not take all the credit for saving me.

Music had always played the biggest role in my life. Even now, it was what I cared about most. Especially coming from a very music orientated school. I was surrounded by music everyday. And in my state of depression, music was the only thing that was still so clear to me in the darkest of days.

I thought I had loved music before my depression, but during it, music became my life. And thus, my favorite lyric became; "You only hear the music when your heart begins to break". How true that line was, so dead on, so real.

I think I fell in love with the way emotions were expressed in songs more than how the song sounded. How deep music could be, how it could be read and interpreted in different ways.

It was the only thing that humanity created that wasn't so dead. In fact, it was always spectacular to me.

Although, it was never enough to pull me out of the darkness. But when Zane appeared in my life, I realized I was becoming more myself as the days passed by.

He was able to paint a bit of glowing positivity in my heart and it was growing. And sometimes, I felt waves of warmth throughout my body when he smiled. And I felt almost whole again.

He was great, finally, someone who didn't turn away, someone who was sympathetic, someone who listened.

When things weren't looking so well for me, when I got into a fight with my parents, or I was thinking about my ex, or when the world just seemed so dark to me he was there to listen and put a smile on my face. It felt like he held my hand through those bleak days.

I could only hope there were others like him.

Tate would hang with us as well, cracking jokes with Zane every so often.

But one day, Zane didn't smile as much as he usually did, and his warmth felt as if it were a bit faded. It was so minuscule of a change in his behavior that Tate didn't even notice, but I did. The light in his eyes just wasn't as bright as usual.

And so, as much as I hated to push him or ask him anything for that matter, once we were alone, sitting in the band room, I confronted him.

"Zane...," I said oh so softly, as if the sound of my voice would scare him away. "Is something wrong? You don't seem right today..."

He shook his head. "It doesn't even matter. I can't change a thing."

"You can talk to me. I always talk to you. I should be here for you like you are for me." my voice became a bit stronger.

"Well...," he sighed, but then smiled a bit playing with his phone in his hands. "There's this girl...,"

My breath caught in my throat. A girl...a girl... He loved someone. How was I not expecting that? I never truly thought of Zane in a romantic way, but for some reason, for a month or so, it felt as if he and I were the only two people on earth. The only two who mattered. Selfish thoughts, weren't they? I had never taken into account that maybe HE had feelings for someone. Why was it so difficult to process that he had a girl he thought about so much? That he admired and wanted?

"She crushed my heart," he continued. "Although, I do see her around a lot of the time," he smiled this smile that I had never seen before, a smile with pain written all over it and it tore at my chest. "I fucked up so much, Audrey. I fucked up her life and my own life. She was one of my best friends, always there for me. Cute, smart, talented. Something I truly wanted. She never wanted to date me, she kept me as a close friend and after two years I dated another girl. My close friend...she exploded, she blamed me for going after another and began to hate me. And soon after, began to smoke. She's never been like that, she was always so strong and I broke her down. The girl dumped me in a matter of days, I threw someone so amazing away because I was impatient. And...I can't handle it," he put his head in his hands and murmured a name that was so familiar to me.

"Did you just say Emma?" I asked softly, touching his shoulder with just the tips of my fingers.

"That was her name," he looked up at me and our eyes met. "Emma Ashton."

Goosebumps overtook my body. The name consumed my mind as memories burst into my mind. And suddenly, the insanity was back yet again. It felt as if the walls had closed on me and I was sucked into my own bright memories. I remembered a blonde little girl who lived right next door to me.

Bits and pieces of my childhood played in my mind. I remembered she loved the pool in my backyard and I loved her treehouse in her backyard. How we played with the hose in her backyard and played with the mud it created. How she got me addicted to Cheetos and root beer floats. How she had this huge black dog named Nighttime. How she constantly fought with her older sister. How her older brother loved magic tricks. How she took lots of medication before she went to sleep. How she cried on her 7th birthday at the beach when she got stung by a jellyfish.

And I remember her name.

And her name was Emma Ashton.

I forced myself out of my trance and the darkness pulled out of my vision to reveal a handsome Zane, his eyes locked on mine.

"I-I think I know her." I blinked, a bit disoriented.

"Really?" His eyes full of interest.

"She was my neighbor and best friend when I was 6," I nodded and looked away from him, not mentioning she had been my ONLY friend when I was 6. "I moved away 8 years ago and haven't seen her until this year."

She had dyed her hair an orange-redish color, had a septum piercing, and played guitar. She was a sweet person, at least that's what I remembered.

"Wow," he sighed. "She's amazing isn't she? So innocent, sweet...adorable. I still love her, and I wish she knew I still do. Not that she'd care... I'd do anything to have her back."

And in that moment as Zane stared up at the ceiling of the band room, hopelessly in love with my childhood friend and emotionally drained, I fell in love.

I fell in love with Zane.