Virgin Queries

1. Personal Contact

Dear V,

My name is Emma, and I’m seventeen years old.  I have a problem with one of my best friends, who also is my boyfriend.  We’ve been together for around six months, give or take a few days, and he’s completely unaffectionate.  He never tells me that I’m pretty or wants to kiss me or anything!  I’ve tried time and time again to ask him why he’s avoiding kissing me or holding my hand, but he just ignores it and says he doesn’t like public displays of affection.  But we weren’t even in public when I tried to kiss him!  And recently, he’s been keeping secrets from me.  For instance, he wouldn’t tell me what this dude sent him as a present.  He just said it was some British show.  And then he went out and bought the guy a movie, and what did I get??  Nothing!  I don’t know what he bought the guy, though, because he didn’t let me see inside the bag.  Do you know what could be wrong with him!?  I really want my football player boyfriend back, but I’m stuck with this secretive jerk who won’t let me read letters he’s writing to his friend.  UGHHHH.

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Dear Emma,

I know you probably already have a feeling about this, but something is definitely up with that boy.  He’s keeping secrets from you, buying guys gifts, and writing back and forth to some other guy?  I hate to break it to you, baby, but it sounds to me like your boyfriend is playing for the other football team if ya know what I mean.  We could just be jumping to conclusions here, but I know a thing or two about boyfriends who turn out to be gay.  So take my word for it.  Approach the subject lightly and see where that goes.  Maybe there’s some completely heterosexual answer to why he’s acting so strange.  If you go crazy on him, he’ll likely break up with you, and your relationship will be ruined for good.  If you care about him that is the exact opposite reaction you want.  Talk to him calmly and openly.  Best of luck, baby!

-xoxo,

V

 

Paxton leaned back in his chair, stretching out his back muscles that had been sore all day.  This is what he got for trying to get out of the house and get some fresh air.  He surveyed the surrounding park, smiling at a group of excited children playing tag and frowning at the biggest beetle he’d ever seen.  Something inside told him to stomp the hell out of the bug.  Kill it before anyone else was subjected to see that ugliness.  Then he remembered what he looked like, and how he wouldn’t want someone to stomp him to death in order to spare others.  Rerouting his focus back to the blog, he double-clicked the send button on his email and smiled, satisfaction plastered over his face like the tiny freckles already taking up residence.

Just as he began packing up his books and laptop, there was a gentle ping that sounded from his computer.  He stuffed his copy of 1984 in his bag and clicked on the new email.  Oh, just perfect.  One of his readers had sent him another link to a review of his blog.  He sighed and opened the link reluctantly.

The “Virgin” Queries is a Sinner’s Playground

by Judith Harmony-LeBlanc

VirginQueries.com is nothing less than horrendous.  The owner of the blog (someone who “mysteriously” calls him/herself “V”) gives sexual advice to children as young as thirteen!  At that age, the last thing someone should be thinking about is sex.  And to give advice about such an adult thing to a child is disgusting, and frankly, I feel as though it is perverted.  The layout of the website is also awful.  The navigation tabs look suspiciously like silver sex toys, and the catchphrase, “Don’t be a *meow* | Ask questions now!” is juvenile to say the least.  I’d rather have my child learn about sex from television than this perverted blogger!  I’ve already added this website to my block-list, and I’ve never been happier.  My final review on this website: .5/5 Stars.  I only gave it half a star because I learned how to get rid of stretch marks in certain areas.