Ending Innocence (boyxboy)

Chapter Two

He freaks out during English class. I don’t see it coming and to be honest I don’t think he does either. One minute he’s sitting there listening to the class talk about themselves and the next I’m chasing after him. He’s fast, I’ll give him that. I struggle to keep up with him when he really wants or needs to move. I do catch him though; I try my best to calm him, to make him feel better. He sounds like he’s drowning and I try to comfort him. I make a mistake though, a big one. Almost calling him sweetheart in the middle of the corridor is a massive mistake. I don’t want to out myself by calling him that. It would be horrible if someone finds out I’m gay.

You’ve got to be kidding me. The reason you’re not going to call him sweetheart is because you don’t want to frighten him off, not because you don’t want to out yourself. And that is the truth, after only a few hours I already feel like I must protect him, and I know I never want to see him hurt or in pain. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s how I feel. I like the idea of making him smile and that’s one promise I do want to keep. To make him smile a genuine smile around me would be amazing, better than amazing.

“So, you like Luca?” Ty asks me as I drive us home from school. He’s reclined back in the seat looking at me with an intense gaze.

“Yeah,” I reply calmly, trying to keep my voice even. “He’s a cool guy. A really cool guy, but I think he seems kind of lonely or something. He doesn’t exactly strike me as one with many friends.”

Realising how that sounds I quickly say. “I mean kids seem to pick on him a lot. Jaxon’s already on his back.”

“Yeah, sure that’s it,” he mutters. “I thought he was nice alright. I think it’s cool he’s already out.”

I wince, hating the fact he brought that up. No one knows I’m gay, not even Ty who is not only my cousin, but my best friend. Probably my only real friend if I’m honest. I should tell him I’m gay but I always procrastinate. It’s stupid and childish to say, but I don’t want him to see me differently. I want to be seen as Caden, the boy who people think has a volatile temper and isn’t afraid to defend himself and the people he cares about. Not some ‘fag’ who can’t fight back. It would be easier if stereotypes weren’t there, but they are just as active now as they have been for decades.

I compose myself enough to say. “Yeah, I guess it’s pretty cool.”

Ty looks at me, in shock. “I can’t believe it, I really… God, you think it’s wrong for him to be out. Hell, you probably think it’s wrong to be gay. Don’t you?”

“What the fuck, Ty? How could you even think, I mean God, I’m not homophobic,” I yell. “You know I’m not like that.”

He looks at me with a strange expression. It’s not a scolding one, but it has the same effect on me. “I know you think that, but in some ways you are. You’re so fucking blind it’s not even funny anymore. I really think you need to open your eyes.”

What the hell? “I don’t have a clue what you fucking mean, but I’m telling you now. I’m not a homophobe, you know that. Saying I am doesn’t make it true.”

“And saying you’re not doesn’t make it true either. Look,” he sighs audibly. “You know, you just don’t want to admit it. I can kind of get that, but if you think people don’t know… Just, figure it out though, and when you do come back to me.”

I glare at him annoyed, angry and scared. He talks like he knows about me. “Cop on, Caden. Just cop the fuck on.”

Ty doesn’t say anything after that. ‘Cop the fuck on,’ he says it like it’s easy to admit my feelings, like he knows my secret. I look at him and he’s watching the road. Ty’s normally quiet and placid when it comes to me. We don’t fight not real fights anyway. Sure we don’t always see eye to eye, but he knows I love him like a brother and I know he loves me like a brother. So why can’t I tell him about me? Why does this have to be the way things are? I don’t want it to come between us.