My Eye of the Storm

Chapter 9

__________

Edited 5/23/19

    I sat emotionlessly at the desk in front of my room's window. I stare out it as if in a trance, unable to break my gaze. The knocks at my door are hardly heard by my own ears; I choose to ignore them.

    I barely slept. Something just wasn't sitting well within my conscious, and I think my sleep-deprived mind had finally gathered all the pieces together: I was falling for the alpha, and I was terribly jealous of what I had seen last night.

    I swallow my spit and hear more persistent knocking. 

    "Hey, Jayvon? You up and at it in there?" Landon calls through my door. He's the last person I wish to see yet the only one I want to admire. My thoughts are conflicted, my feelings are restrained beyond comfortability, and I just want to be by myself.

     More knocks. He seems to radiate a nervousness through the door. I hardly give off any aura from what I sense. I feel bland as an individual. I didn't feel like anything about me was important. Three more hard and loud knocks at my door.

    "Jayvon," I hear and then a brief pause, "open this door." 

    I numbly stand, not going to ignore my new-found alpha's command. I walk to the door like a soldier unable to say anything but "sir yes sir!" The door is unlocked by my fingers and then opened. Behind the door is an antsy man whose eyes widen at the sight of me. 

     "Did you get any sleep?" He asks with concern starting to consume those yellow eyes. I felt captivated by them, and I eventually had to turn away from him then sink back into the room. I leave the door open, an invitation for him to come in.

    I say no words. Landon seems to understand without me even having to say anything. 

    "You know that you need sleep in order to probably absorb the proper knowledge," he begins to lecture, though the words slip right in one ear then out my other. What I truly felt I needed was to be alone so I could forget my feelings about him. Was that even possible?

    Landon stares at me sternly, realizing that what he said didn't affect me as he wanted it to. A sigh slips out his mouth as he looks down and rubs his temple with his hand.

    "I'll come back for you tomorrow then if you're not going to seem like you want to learn about this," he suddenly snaps at me, and I feel my entire body tense then freeze. "Someone will retrieve you for lunch and dinner," he proceeds to add on as he turns and leaves with no more words left to be said. The door is shut loudly behind him, the aura of his present anger obvious to nearly anyone.

    All I did was not answer him.

    The tears start, but I don't want to feel so weak and decide to go and lay on my bed. Without meaning to, I end up curled up in the fetal position. Before I know it, I'm overthinking the entire situation. Not needing much leverage to break my mental barriers, the walls of my sanity break this day like they did the previous night.

     I feel trapped. I am unable to stop breathing heavy no matter how desperately I try, and then I crumble beneath the disappointment I feel I induced on my alpha. The bed is gripped between my fingers as if that would give me a better grip on my surroundings, but I feel like I just fall harder.

     Ever since this gene of mine became made aware, my life took a turn. I just wanted it to change for the better. I just wanted the calm of the storm. 

    I feel my body begin to shake, trembling as a sweaty warmth spreads over my skin. I just feel my emotions take further hold, grasping control of me and making me surrender to the shame I felt for not being obedient. 

    Not trying or meaning to, I shift to my small wolf and find myself quickly scurrying to the ground and slipping beneath my bed. Here, I feel safe. Beneath here, I feel like no-one can get to me, and that was the sensation that I needed to feel. Anxiety needs to be approached in proper ways, and I was still learning mine. I felt I would never learn what gave me the purest closure.

    At some point, a knock sounds at the door and it opens but then closes when the person doesn't see me. I assume it is whoever was sent to retrieve me for dinner, but I would rather starve than face Landon any further today. I needed my isolation. I need to find out what is wrong with me.

    Beneath the bed, I find I can curl up and it is rather comfortable. Soon, I become drowsy. I try to not fall asleep, blinking every so often and trying to remind myself that under the bed isn't a place to sleep at, but then I just fail more. A nap wouldn't hurt, would it?

    Yeah, a nap wouldn't hurt.