I always thought that maybe one day i can find love or maybe love can find me but it seems i have fully lost the meaning of love. is love something two people have with each other through bond and a understanding? or is a feeling of one's wanting to spent a lifetime with their partner? or is it just a word to make another person seem happy and make it seem that they acknowledge them as something more than just friends?
Yes, i do get jealous seeing how easily people fall in love nowadays and how people can have a relationship that could last 2-3 times longer than all my relationships and failed talking stage altogether and i hate it. I hate that i couldn't feel what they felt and be loved like how they love each other and to me it's not fair, i did put in effort in loving and i did try my best to be good enough but why was is it not enough? what do i lack ? what do i need to be seen ? or to be loved? is it that hard to love somebody like me? am i the problem ?. Maybe i don't deserve love or maybe god has other plans but do i really need to go through all the pains just to be loved ? will it be worth it or will it be the same pain all over again?
I can't deny that i had once felt loved but after all the hardship, however i seem to see myself questioning if i really did understand the word "love". Was i delusional to be loved? or was i too needy? or just maybe i was blind to what was in-front of me? . All the night i kept myself up thinking about what i did wrong or what i could had done better, questioning each decision that i made in the past and imagining what if i choose the other option then my initial respond and would my life be better than what i am going through right now ? or would it just prolong the inevitable ?
I wish i could take back all the words i said and all mistakes i did to lose this love but deep in my heart i knew that i wasn't fully at fault and that i was the one being hurt in that love and i was the one who deserved better but i can't seem to blame them so i felt putting it all one would had been more easier or maybe i was tired of explaining who was in the wrong in our love to others. Maybe i should start at the beginning of my version of love and the falling of it, and maybe i can understand where,why and what i did wrong.
