Monday... I hate Mondays... manic Mondays... Traffic, red lights... All made worse by rain × √ idiots = wrecks.
Now, here I sit, two hours late, waiting for first reponders to clean up a multi vehicle pile up on I-80...
And, of course, some blonde bimbo in a Mercedes AMG behind me hasn't stopped blowing her damned horn...
Oh, she stopped... Wait... No way! She must've blown the fuse! She won't stop slapping the steering wheel, but no sound is coming...
"Thank you Lord..." I say and lean my head back against the headrest...
The woman gets out and comes up to my window... In the rain... And slaps the glass but I turned the volume up, blaring Lower Brinstar from Metroid Dread, when I saw her door open...
I stay right here. A gentleman beside me preparing to let me over when traffic starts moving again...
The woman grabs my door handle and it comes off in her hand since I removed the doors' Hardware after redoing them to be opened with the key upon unlocking them... I may be a bit paranoid about being hijacked, but it saved me the trouble of dealing with her...
Then I see him. Motorcycle cop behind her just pulled up...
I turn the volume down and crack the window and I hear it...
"He's blocking the breakdown lane and preventing me from passing!" She screams...
"Ma'am, this is a shoulder... It is never a breakdown lane under any circumstances, unless directed by an officer..." He says, looking slightly amused.
He sees me looking and motions for me to put my window down.
"Yes sir?" I ask...
"What's going on?"
"I saw her flying down the shoulder a quarter mile back, put my truck in neutral, shut the engine off, got out and pushed it into the shoulder... Basically pretending like I was out of gas... For the past hour she's been flipping me the bird, blaring her horn until the fuse blew out..." I say...
"If he'd actually run out of gas, how could you honestly expect him to move his truck?" The officer asks her... "Did you see him push his truck onto the shoulder?"
"No! I almost rear-ended his dumb ass!"
"Do me a favor and go sit in your car. I'll be with you in a minute..." He tells her...
"Aaargh!!!" She screams, stomping back toward her vehicle...
The officer turns to me... "Would you pull back into the lane for me?" He asks.
"$500 says she takes off as soon as I do..."
"Let her... She'll get more than a ticket if she does..."
"Roger that, sir..." I say, start the engine, and reverse into the gap being held by the gentleman in the 70's F100...
Blondie bimbo launches her Mercedes and clips the officer's motorcycle and takes off...
A highway patrol vehicle just ahead pulls off and blocks her... He gets out, sidearm drawn, shouting commands...
I look at my dash cams and see that they've recorded the entire thing...
"Guess who's getting blasted on YouTube..." I grin.
After another 20 minutes, traffic finally starts inching forward, increasing to a steady crawl as one lane was cleared and officers direct traffic to merge from three lanes into the safety corridor; cleared lane...
As I approach, the highway patrol officer from before flags me down and I pull up behind his cruiser and roll my window down...
"Yes ma'am?" I ask...
"I saw what you did... I should give you a citation but, considering the circumstances, I'll let you off with a warning... I saw her coming up the shoulder... I thought it was funny that you pushed your vehicle onto the shoulder. I thought you were genuinely broke down... Glad to know you weren't, but, you sat there for an hour and a half... I could hear the music from where I was five car lengths ahead. How did you have enough battery charge to start the engine after all that?"
"AGM battery. I also have a second battery that I could have switched to if the main battery had died... I used to be a mechanic, but I've been doing commercial electrical work for the past two years..." I say...
"Well, next time; don't block the shoulder again..."
I sigh... "Alright, but it sure felt good seeing you go after her...
Illegal Lane use, hit-and-run, leaving the scene of an accident, assault on an officer, reckless driving and assault with a deadly weapon?"
"You work in law too?" She asks...
"No ma'am... I just know what happened and surmised the most likely charges..."
"Well, she was taken by another officer on a few of those..." She admits... "Technically, you could be cited for impeding, but since there were no emergency vehicles on the shoulder, I'll let it slide..." She says and looks at the side of my 1994 Chevrolet Silverado... "Sport-Side bed... What's it say?"
"SS 409 Legacy." I say...
"What's 409?"
"I put a 1963 Impala SS 409 cubic inch V8 under the hood with a 5-speed manual... Rear end has a 2:41 ratio ring and pinion on a positraction carrier... Originally, the engine was 425 horsepower, but I have two 454 TBI units in a custom intake... Let's just say that I'm getting 425hp to the wheels in first and leave it there..."
"Don't let me catch you speeding..."
"I've had a few older officers get annoyed with me for doing the exact speed limit, actually..."
"Too funny..."
"No, I'm serious... They asked me 'why that much power and high gearing?'."
"And, your answer?" She asks...
"'because I can.'." I laugh. "I never exceed the speed limit by even 1mph whether there's traffic or not, but I could definitely out-range anything out there aside from an 18-wheeler on fuel capacity, alone..."
"Well, don't let me see you on the shoulder again unless you're actually broke down, or I will cite you..."
"Yes ma'am..."
"Here's my card; If you need anything, give me a call. Have a nice day..."
"Hey... Could you write me a note for my boss? He's gonna be pissed if I can't prove why I was stuck in traffic..."
"Sure thing... Actually, I'll follow you and tell your boss in person. "
"Thank you."
