Heart and Star

Her Story

If he were a shape, he would be a heart. But in reality, he is a star.
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“Dear Moonlight. Hi! I'm Shainaiah Mae L. Ko, 14 years old. And this is my diary, hehe. Excited aketch starting my new diary journey. Yehey! PS. Ang kyut ko.” pagbasa ko mula sa lumang notebook na nasa aking kamay.

Kaninong diary ito? Ang cringe. Jejemon.

Tiniklop ko ang notebook at ibinalik sa ilalim ng kabinet. May nakita pa akong mga lumang notebook pero hindi ko na lang pinakelaman. It’s all in the past.
Nakakatawa lang magbalik-tanaw at nakakamiss. Super.

I would love to be a child again. To experience kahit isang araw lang. To be happy again and free from all pressures and pain.

I sighed. Look how time flies so fast.
Pinanganak akong kyut. Lumaki na kyut.
Still kyut pa rin as a young adult. Charot.

Isasara ko na sana ang kabinet nang may napansin akong white envelope na may design sa labas na heart and star shape.
Kinuha ko ito at binuksan. Isang folded bond paper. Ang nakasulat ay confession letter.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang pagpatak ng aking luha. A little smile formed on my lips.

Sinong babae ang nagsulat nitong confession letter? Hindi ko na kilala. Bakit nandito ’to? Joke lang.
This was my confession letter.
A year ago.
To that guy I liked for three whole years.

Babasahin ko ba kung ano ang nakasulat?
Huwag na lang pala. Para mysterious effect ang buhay ko. Haha.
Flashback ko na lang buhay ko, beh.

It all started when we were second-year college students...

Kasalukuyan kaming nakaupo sa bench malapit sa mangosteen trees na nakapalibot sa hallway. Kasama ang aking limang kaibigan na busy scrolling either sa FB or TikTok. At ako, heto, nakatanaw sa mga puno.

“Mae, ano nga score mo sa exam?” tanong ni Aira na nasa left side ko.

“Mababa score ko. 21 lang,” I casually replied habang nakatanaw pa rin sa paligid. Tulala. Expected na ang low scores pero nakakadisappoint pa rin.
Ginawa ko naman ang lahat. Pero bakit kulang? Eme.
One-night study ginawa. Kapal ko. Haha.

“Same,” tugon ni Aira pabalik. Our friends also nodded in agreement.

At katahimikan ang nagwagi sa aming lima, at kanya-kanyang busy sa sariling mundo. We needed a break after a challenging week of exams.

My eyes roamed around with no exact intention kung ano at sino ang makikita. Until I saw someone who caught my attention.
A tall, handsome boy wearing a black jacket. With slightly wavy brown hair that fell on his forehead.
Everything went slow-mo kahit naglalakad lang siya, passing through the open field with grasses and trees.

He was not too far, yet not close enough for me to clearly remember his face.

Who is he?

Another week came. It was students' festival.
I saw him again. Wearing the same jacket and a dark green backpack.

I saw him play football. Ang cool. Nice, sporty siya.

After his game, umalis na ako. Then unexpectedly, nakasabayan ko siyang naglakad sa hallway. Kaya sinadya kong bagalan ang aking lakad.
He was walking ahead, two girls in between us, at ako nasa likod nila. Nang umalis ang dalawang babae at tumigil siya sa paglalakad, binilisan ko ang paglakad. I walked past him.

I don't know if he noticed me. Kumakabog ang puso ko. Nasa likuran ko siya at kahit papalayo ako, siya pa rin ang nasa isip ko.

Later that day, I discovered something I never expected.
Friends kami sa FB. At ako ang nag-add friend sa kanya. He accepted my friend request? Kahit hindi niya ako kilala?

I blinked twice. Thrice.

Well, in-add friend ko nga siya kahit hindi ko kilala.
Ten days ago.
Dapat na ba akong mag-overthink?
What if he knows?
What if he doesn’t?

What if random lang ang lahat?
Most probably, mutual friends lang. I discovered na classmates and friends sila ng classmate ko way back Grade 5.

Single kaya siya?

Days passed like a routine but a bit more interesting. Makita siya dalawang beses isang linggo, or may whole week na hindi siya makita sa school.

What's happening? Bakit palagi kong napapansin kapag nandiyan siya? At kapag wala, gusto ko siyang makita?

He’s like a masterpiece worth admiring.
If he is the ocean, then I’ll be the blue.

Two months passed. It was already the end of the year.
Every time I saw him, even from afar, it made me happy. Short encounters that fate brought to me.
But is fate cruel for letting me witness him together with a girl? A girl I had never seen walking with him before.

Who is she?
Hiraya?

Before Christmas Eve struck, while looking at his FB post, I whispered into the wind, “Merry Christmas, homies.”

New year, new chapter. Yet it's still him. My dream male lead.
But a day came when my dream novel shattered like glass.

He’s now in a love story.
I am not his female lead.
He is someone else’s male lead.

“Okay lang yan, Mae. He may be in love with someone else but who knows? What if temporary lang sila? Baka hindi sila umabot until graduation?” ani Aira habang nakaakbay sa akin.

“Wala na tayong magagawa. In a relationship na siya. Ang sakit. Lalo na admiring from afar,” malungkot na sabi ni Christine.

“Hanap na lang tayo ng new crush mo, Mae,” Hannah jokingly said.

“Sige. Of course!” pagsang-ayon ko at ngumiti kahit deep inside ang sakit ng puso ko. Kasi naman, yung taong gusto ko may gusto ng iba.

Two years passed and they broke up. A month before our graduation.
How did I know? I just found out. Deleted na ang pictures nila sa FB niya.

I don’t know if I should feel happy. Because I feel sad instead. I hope he’s okay.

May chance na ako, diba? Para mag-confess sa kanya?

Kahit hindi niya ako magustuhan pabalik, basta masabi ko ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. After that, I’ll move on.

So two days before graduation, I wrote a letter. My confession to him. I wanted to give it after the ceremony.

But this letter was never sent.

Nagkabalikan sila. Nakita ko. I saw them together.

There was no point for a side character like me to barge into their story.

Since that day, I chose to forget that he existed in my heart.

He is but a fleeting memory.
Like a star in the sky.
Far from me and shining for someone else.

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