The Promise.

Beginning to an end.

    Laying on bed my watching the ceiling fan go round and round, trying to keep my eyes on one without feeling nausea's. My head goes to a place where I wish was burned out of my memory. A heartbreak of pain but, a bliss of breath-taking thoughts. Remember the time we went to the elementary park at 1:30 in the morning and sat on the swings and just talked looking up at the stars. Feeling as if we were good friends form way back when. Or when you dressed up like a girl just because I was bored. The times that i remember you makes me think that something could still be there.

 Never did I think it would come to an end but they always say forever will end.
      " Uh I just need some air" as I walk onto the back porch and sit watch the sun go down and the heat warm my skin I sit as if I was in the most comfest chair there is. When I put  the cigarette to my lips and push down on the lighter to get the flame, I close my eyes and see you. There's nothing in this world that I can do to get you out of my head- out of my life. As i take a hit of the cig i feel my lungs expanding my heart racing as I hold it in and exhale. Why me? I don't do this I don't mope about things like this but, why is it so hard to tell myself there will never be another chance again. I gave you all my love, I laid it out on the table I called you begging to be with me once more. Nothing has changed, you have moved on and dropped everything as if it were nothing to you.

   I flip the bud into the grass and go back inside, as I walk into my room I look over at my computer and see that you are on. I hurry to my computer and click on your name to say hi. Looking at your name I start to get a warm feeling inside my heart as if it repaired itself once more. I start typing hi on the keyboard but don't send it. What if you get angry for me speaking to you? what if you will say hi back? or is my head just playing games like usual. I exit the window and go to something else. My heart is telling me to go back say something it might be good. My head is telling me no don't do it, your setting yourself up for rejection. Moving my eyes back and fourth trying to get the tears to stop watering my eyes up, I just shut the laptop and sit on my bed.

I reach down to my nightstand and grab my basket to look for my pipe. Knowing that im running low on my happiness. I take a puff anyway, I inhale so heavy I begin to choke and cough til my nose starts to run. Sniffling louder and louder my  heart begins to race and my mind becomes lighter and fainter. Nothing like a good stress reliver and something to bring you back to yourself. I grab my laptop and open it back up, looks like you got off. Oh well always a next time, youtube here I come. While im in a different state of mind music is my soul without it I would be lost in this crazy world we call "Life." 

    " There's a train leaving town If you hurry up I think you just might make it, Damnit I hope you make it". Framing Hanley
 as I listen to the song and sing along, I get in deep thought where I just  replay memories in my head. I just want to see you face to face if you were to smile at me I think I would cry just knowing that I'm alive to you could make me the most luckiest person in the world. Maybe, even a HI I would probably freeze up and studder.  The moment I seen you I knew you were going to be in my life for the longest time. Damnit seriously why isn't there something I can do. Just being friends I think I would be able to rest easily. Your father and brother talk to me, they miss me. They wish we all could just hangout again. Not tonight not tomorrow not never will that ever happen. Missing you is something that I actually have of you that I can keep to myself and no one else. Do I sound like a creeper, or is this just a sign tellling me something, maybe even a hint like move on or just keep something of yours.