Elsewhere

Five

FIVE 

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The days passed, but I hardly noticed.

My life seemed perpetually slowed. Slowed to the point it hardly moved at all. I could be gone years and come back to find it just the same. And maybe some would find comfort in that—a constant in a hectic life—but I couldn't stand it. My life was always so safe—so comfortable. I wanted something to happen. I wanted something to stir it up—change it. At least then maybe I would know that it was moving and that time was still passing.

But nothing happened.

And with every day I became more and more aware to the world around me. I wondered how I had been living with my eyes shut this whole time. For the first time I was seeing how fake—how staged—everything was. I saw my friends for who they truly were—my family. Every little thing I had once been stupidly blind to I was now seeing as if it were blaring out at me. As if it were screaming at me. And it was unbearable.

The biggest one was Jake. I wasn't sure how I had never noticed it. Maybe I hadn't wanted to notice it, but now I was awake. I was seeing. "My parents left me the house this weekend," Olive announced with a pointed look a Jake. Once I would have missed it. But now it seemed painfully obvious. "They're out of town." It was so subtle you could have just interpreted it as an invitation to a party. That is if you hadn't noticed the look Jake and Olive shared. So damn subtle.

Sasha flipped her long dark hair over her shoulder, the strands catching me in the face. I stepped back, trying to fade out of the group. "Olive!" Sasha exclaimed. I nearly winced. "You should throw a party!" Murmurs traveled through the group. Everyone was in agreement. I didn't care. And catching the flicker on Olive's face I bet she hadn't really wanted to either. Not private enough for her and Jake. Despite her feelings she forced a smile, casting it around the group like it was a photo shoot.

"Of course! I was just about to suggest that myself, Sasha," she said with a laugh. I was struck by how disgustingly false it sounded. I wondered if any of them had ever been real one second of their life. Everything about them seemed false, rehearsed. I was torn between disgust and pity. What must it be like to never feel real joy? Even to feel the bad things? At least then you know you're feeling. In the end I just felt pity. I couldn't even bring myself to hate them.

"I've got to go," I said suddenly.

Everyone in the group turned to look at me. I caught several expressions—shock, confusion, anger. It was painfully obvious that I was skipping out on them. I should have offered up an excuse to make it all okay, but I didn't. I shouldn't have to excuse myself. "You want to leave, babe?" Jake spoke up from beside me. He grabbed at my hand but I jerked it away. I couldn't stand for him to touch me. His eyes widened, and I tried to play it off.

I ran a hand through my hair, trying to make my movements seem normal. I only felt more uncomfortable though. "I'm just tired," I told him. I hated the excuse, but it was already there. "I'll see you all later." I grabbed up my purse, sliding it onto my shoulder. I started to take a few steps back but Jake clattered onto his feet. It was perhaps the first time I saw him mess up. The first time he had stumbled at anything in his life. I couldn't help the stab of satisfaction I felt.

"Here, I'll take you home," he told me. His voice was rushed, like he couldnt get his words out fast enough. He started for me but again I moved away, putting space between us. I knew he noticed, and everyone else as well. I didn't even have the energy then to pretend that everything was okay or that I wanted to be anywhere around them. I didn't. I didn't want anything to do with them. The faster I could leave the better I would feel.