I wish I didn't have the urge to write down all my sorrows, another broken hearted story written down. I wish I could write some happy love story about how the man met the woman standing in the rain and he offered her an umbrella, how their eyes connected and it was love at first sight. But right now, that case would go downward... I would tell you how they didn't live happily ever after, how the man managed to fuck the girl over and leave her as broken as ever.
STAGES OF A BROKEN HEART:
1. The pain. That excruciating pain. You can't believe what just happened and you can't do anything more than curl up in a ball and cry, wishing he was there to take you in his arms. The sting of his last words "I don't love you anymore" burning deep inside. Your last words echoing as well "Why? Please hold me" while trying to hold back tears but failing miserably. But he didn't want to hold you, he was done, and you were destroyed. The pain is worse than anything you've ever felt, your heart actually hurts and your stomach is seriously squeezing inside, you can't breath.
2. The lying. Instead of taking time to get better, you convince yourself that everyone goes through this (as your friends keep saying) and you go out into the world, even if you haven't really eaten in the last two weeks. But it's too early and you find yourself crying behind your sunglasses having your friends scold you for it.
3. The anger. You're mad at him, how could he do that to you, after everything you did for him, after all the bullshit you took for him. But it's no use, because in a way or another, you loved him with all the bullshit that came along. But he didn't accept you, there were signs all through the relationship, some of them shining bright like a neon light; such as that moment he called you into another room, saying he has a surprise; you go, smiling brightly, he tells you to close your eyes, and you obey. With your eyes closed you can hear the old scale being moved in front of you and him saying "take a step forward". He knew, just as much as you did that your weight was a taboo subject, that you weren't proud of it and kept struggling, why couldn't he just accept that?!?! You've deleted every picture and message and sent all his stuff back. You're going to regret it, so keep one picture.
4. The new guy. It's going to be a total fail. It's just going to upset you more. He's not the same, he's not good enough even though he has everything you would have fallen for before. You become the bitch you never thought you could be and break it off. There will be others after, and you will do the same, now you start understanding those girls guys talk about. The girls that broke their hearts, the ones you kept wondering about, thinking 'how are they capable of something like that?'. But now you understand, girls start becoming bitches and breaking men's hearts only because a man broke them before.
5. The hope. It lasts just as long as a cold bottle of water on a hot summer day. And you're just torturing yourself by thinking there could be anything else between the two of you. No, you can't be friends; No, don't write him anything. He's made it clear he wants nothing to do with you, remember? But still, you write him, just to get shot down again: "What do you want? Leave me alone". Believe me now?
6. The confidence. Whoa! Where did that come from?! Suddenly, you start feeling good in your skin, not that you didn't feel good before, just that now it's better, you take care of yourself, you even start applying that darned body lotion after every single shower, who has time for that? You never leave the house without getting ready even a little bit; and you're proud of that, after all, you are a lady.
7. The other guy. The one you're actually attracted to. Of course he's from your past! And of course he's going to try to sweep you off your feet. But it's not going to work, you still don't want anything serious. But don't say no! Enjoy it while it lasts!
8. Now look back. Look back at all you went through and realize you haven't cried for such a long time. You want to cry now don't you? And you know why? Because even though such a long time has passed, there hasn't been a day in which you haven't thought of him; not one single fucking day, even if it was the best day you could have at the moment, all you could think about was if only he was here to share it with you. You want to think of all the bad he's done, but the only thing that comes to mind are the good memories, the ones where he took you in his arms and held you tight, where he spontaneously kissed you and told you he loved you. Just accept it. But now try something. Picture him in front of you, smiling. Try saying 'I love you'. You can't can you? It's like the words get stuck in your throat. Want to try saying it mentally? Sure, go ahead. But it won't work.
9. You're getting better, and even though you're broken heart isn't fully healed, and you haven't yet found the one man to sweep you back off your feet again, you're better. And you might not be alone, because your friends were by your side through all of it. But you know the most important reason you're not alone? Because you have your writing. And although it's taken you six months and five days to write down what happened. You finally did it.
You're getting there.
You don't know where.
But you're on your way.
h
