Diary! ^_^

Weird chapter

TW: SUICIDE.

I don't remember how much I attempted, but I wanted to document the experiences

One time, my dad threatened to cut off all my basic needs. Light, food, clothes, y'know.

Once he left the room, I just put on a smile since my sister was there. Just trying to seemed unbothered.

But then I grabbed the cutter and I went downstairs where no one is going to be at since they're all gonna go sleep. I first, just wanted to cut my self but then I had the urge to die and I cut my arm and let myself bleed.

In a way, this was an attempt to die and lose blood but in the end I knew I had to clean up soon and pretend I'm fine so I wiped my blood with tissues and go upstairs to my bedroom and grabbed my bandages.

It wasn't really direct but I remember it.

Another time, after my dad humiliated me when I was just peacefully eating. I couldn't find the courage to continue eating so I got up and went downstairs to originally clean up but then I started crying in the bathroom.

I poured my whole heart out, I remember saying "WHO THE FUCK IS [Birth name]!? I'M NOT HER... I'm not her..." while crying, I was on the ground, crouched up and I couldn't find a way to find a satisfying release since I didn't have my cutter so I decided to choke myself with my own hands.

At one point I think blacked out for a bit, but I'm not sure since I was already in a dark room.

I then ate normally after that.

Then another where I used a rope. In the first choking attempt I chickened out, the other I became too tired to do anything and then the rope wasn't tied properly.

And most of the time I was interrupted like my sister being in the room (we share the same room), my parents forcing me to go out and etc.

Another I tried jumping off, thinking maybe it'll work like Ivan but the floor was high enough so I only got into a minor coma.

Then another where I went to the street, I originally was just walking back home but I felt too depressed and just sorta half tried killing myself half accident. I only got some injuries though since the car that hit me wasn't going too fast.

I also have the habit to bang my head onto the wall, so I once did it but I was in front of my bed's metal frame so I hit myself until I bled. Of course, I'm fine... surprisingly, but I was struggling to remember some things that well so it took a week or so for me to remember probably.

Anyway, I really think passing out and then waking up in an ambulance is pretty trippy if I'm being honest. Cause tfym I'm in an ambulance? It doesn't feel real especially when my mind feels hazy and I don't remember what happened before the... uh y'know.

Yeah. I'm really shocked that I survived... like really shocked.