Snippets

As Long As It Pains (OS)

The stars were bright that night. Moon to been seen anywhere but the universe always there.

I could hear others talking. Worried whispered shared between each other, eyes glanced towards what brought their troubled expression.

The house.

It was a rather average two story brick home painted light grey, a wooden porch that extended two meters from the door with a single table next to the entrance. The backyard was rather large with its own veggie patch, a shed and a rather odd detached building, the roof made entirely of fibre glass and two single windows, each next to the door.

One of them headed my way. His eyes showed only worry and cautiousness. Worry for me.
Cautious of me.
He had every right to feel that way, with the events that had happened, his part in those events, I would not be surprised if he had avoided me entirely.

I felt my body itch as he neared, throat tightened as my breathing began to labour. Nails dug into my palm, mentally scolding and soothing myself for my reaction.

He asked me how I fared. A single shrug. He pursed his lips, brows drawn slightly as he searched my face for my thoughts. He found none.
He asked if I would like to look inside. I nodded, nails broke the skin of my palm.

The inside smelt stale and empty, albeit not as strong, as if the inhabitants of this home had left recently. It was cold but it was never like that, sensing the once coziness of this home etched into its walls. There were many memories created in this home, the nicks and marks on the walls, small stains on the floor, the characteristics of a well lived home. Or...at least a potentially well lived home.

The tightness in my throat did not go, only worsened as my chest heaved slowly, wandering throughout the house, touching things here and there but never moved them from their finally resting place.

He of course followed a little away, glancing at me occasional to gauge my behaviour but I showed no sign of an outburst and thus began to wander himself.

We could not stay long.
I could not stay.
I wanted to.
It is a horrible decision to do so, my presence will only brought about another event. Probably worse then before.

There was only one more place I need to see. To smell. To find closure in.

Climbing the stairs, fingers trailing the banister, my throat began to sting with watered eyes. Breathing voluntarily to keep myself in check, I stood at the bedroom door.

All the memories that was locked away broke loose, the vail put on me gone as I felt myself tremble, quietly sniffling as my hand was placed on the handle. I was terrified. I wanted to run and never look back but I knew I will regret it, knew this was the last time I will be here.
Be with him.

---

It was as I remember it.
The sight
The smell.
The feeling.

My eyes were red as with my nose, having been crying as I stepped into the room. I do not recall moving onto the bed but I came to on the bed, hugging my favourite pillow, caught his scent and smiled. I felt happier than I have ever been.

Time seemed to have slowed as I laid there, eyes stared tiredly at the empty spot where he would lay, heart longed for him, for his presence.

I began to sob, tears welled up as I cried for him. Everything I had done up to the day I had briefly lost him in mind, it was all for him.
What was I to do now that he is gone? Where would I go?
Who will ease me when life gets too much? To make me feel comfortable as I am without the passing. Without the bravery pretence as I venture out into the world. Without the feeling of being a burden to everyone.

I could not stay here. He would not want me to. He would want me safe and happy.

I love you.
I miss you.

Knowing I could not prolong my time, I kneeled on the bed, hugging my pillow close as I took in a deep breath, tears still rained as my heart ached.

I took off the ring that he had given me, smiling at the memory that pained me now. Warmth began to radiate from my body, the ring cool in my cupped hands. I brought it close to my lips, pressed lightly in farewell, initiating a spark as it is engulfed in flames.

Now that I stood at the foot of the bed, I gently placed the burning ring down, flames licking the sheets as it too began to burn.

I looked around one last time, knowing that they will use my-... our home to get to me. Worst of all... I willingly allowed it. This was the only way. To preserve what was left, I had to rid it as it is.

I have yet to know of his whereabouts, hoping he was still with us.

With me.

I looked up at the night sky with tear streaked face, settling myself on the porch step with my past burning behind me.

(17/08/2015)
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Author: Not gonna lie. I cried. It wasn't just sad but a full on emotional crying. It wasn't easy writing this when I'm using my own relationship to write up this fictional one. To lose the one person who you're emotionally invested in and makes you feel like the world is your oyster, it hurts to think about the possibility of them gone.
Not like a break up, since at least you know they're still there, but when they are possibly non-existent anymore? It's heartwrenching.

Btw, this snippet is a POV of one the characters in a book I'm currently working on (it ain't published though) and this event will happen, just not as intrusive on what's going on there than it is here.