2025/2026

September 03

New diary.

I'm in Sun Valley. I have this trip coming up in 2 days backpacking Bulgary and Greece. I don't feel very excited about it.

Archie was in town with Vance and Bruno yesterday, they gave me a ring and we went to Mike's place to chat for a while. We had beers after.

I am quite tired today, like always lately. I think about what happened constantly even tho in my mind I've made the decision to step back.

I've been so hurt this year I don't know how recovery is going to look like, or the future. On practical aspects it will be fine— school, sports, therapy, friends, travel. But psychologically the damage is so big, I am so unstable, I am so traumatised. I have to take action regarding that and it is so hard, so consuming.

Let me try to think what I can do to heal. I don't want to overwhelm myself so I should work at 1 thing or 2 at a time.

I think most crucial right now is building self esteem. Physical and psychological.

Ideas:
1 Stop ruminating on what happened and what I did wrong and my negative thoughts, do something else when this happens (run, read, call someone)
2 make list of positive aspects, physical and psychological, memorise it, say it to myself every day in the mirror
3 prepare for 15k and meditate
4 do 1 thing makes me happy every day without guilt (read silly book, watch silly movie, go to museum, bake something, write story)
5 make list of things I'm good at, keep doing them (writing, sports, analysing texts, listening to people)

They are just some ideas