Wait (don't let go)

II.

Context. P'Fa and N'Char meet right after college, on their first job. They were both working at Vogue Thailand, P'Fa as a junior editor and N'Char as a photo stylist. P'Fa was drawn into N'Char right away, like literally, the first day they went out for drinks after work with a group of people from the office she ended up speaking to this beautiful new girl, wishing she could figure out what exactly she was feeling for her. She was a bit younger than her and somehow that made her uncomfortable. 24th versus 28th. It was only a 4 years difference but at that point it felt like more. She was also a girl and up until that point P'Fa had never had an open thing for a girl. Not that it was a problem or a conflict for her. There had been some crushers here and there. There had been a girl who broke her heart but there had also been guys. She appeared and acted very confident and she was well aware of the power she had with her beauty. She could get anyone, easily, but that was kind of boring to be honest. Nothing was too exciting. But there was something with this girl that made her feel different and it was very obvious, from day one. That first night out they had been drinking and on the way back home they shared an Uber with some other friends. One of the guys, P'Som, was driving in the front seat while Engfa and Charlotte were in the back, being so cute with each other that P'Som made a joke about it. I think we have a new favorite crush, he said out loud. P'Fa felt a ping on her chest. It was true, it was a crush. A big one. The biggest one. From that point on she had it very clear. She had fallen for Charlotte. Ridiculous love at first sight.

For the next few weeks they spent most of their time together. While working, while not working. They wanted to find out everything about each other. From favorite music to favorite book, to high school adventures to past loves. Those first 2 or 3 weeks were so intense they didn't even stop to think about what was happening between them. It was new for both of them and it was intense. And they just let it be, at least for those first few weeks. They did everything because they were feeling it and it felt right. It was a strong connection and it was much more than anything they had ever felt before, with anyone else.

As I said earlier, Engfa was already very confident. She was confident over her looks, over her face and most important, over her eyes. That gaze was powerful and she was well aware. She actually used it a lot cause she knew the effect it had on people. Engfa had been in the magazine for 3 years already, she was very popular and everybody at the office recognized her. It wasn't only at the office, she was popular on the Bangkok night life scene too. Charlotte, on the contrary, was new and quite insecure. She had recently moved from Phuket so she had no friends yet. Even if she was as perfect as a doll, she was still in a phase where insecurity made her question everything. This actually came from childhood. It was something that started to happen right after her mom left. She had stayed with her dad and her brothers and even though she grew up in a good place, surrounded by love, the fact of her mom leaving left her with a big hole, a question mark that reflected on everything she did. And all these insecurities only grew bigger and bigger with time. And each time someone rejected her or even just made a silly little joke about her she felt lost again, left behind. What happened next has everything to do with things that happened before they met.

Picture this. Engfa and Charlotte just met a few weeks ago, they are both automatically drawn towards each other. It's a physical attraction for sure, but it is also an intellectual and emotional connection. For both it is a first so the feeling is very intense, pretty intoxicating too. It's fun, it's thrilling, it's exciting. Something has to happen and is bound to happen but during this period they are not that aware.

Engfa, being more self-assured, was the one that started with the more obvious flirting. Basically, she spend a lot of time just looking at Charlotte and you know, that gaze could kill cause even if you have never seen Engfa in real life you know exactly what I'm talking about. So imagine that gaze, in real life, with an intention. Charlotte felt naked. Like literally and figuratively speaking. This woman was looking into her soul.

There were a few incidents that made everything very clear for Charlotte. The first one happened a night at Mark's apartment. Mark was an intern at the office, from the UK, staying only for a few months. He was a very funny guy, friends with everyone, and an excellent addition to the party gang. I haven't said anything about this yet but both Engfa and Charlotte were part of this party gang by this point. They loved going out, and the parting was pretty hard. Drink a lot. Drugs maybe every now and then. Looking in retrospect it wasn't a good idea. Probably it only made everything worse, but being there, again, they would have probably done the same, chose the party life they had back then.

So that night they had already been somewhere and they were going somewhere else but they stopped by at Mark's apartment for a drink. Maybe waiting for his boyfriend to join them? Maybe he wanted to change clothes? Maybe they needed to kill time. It doesn't matter. They were there, sitting at a table, in Mark's kitchen. Engfa and Charlotte opposite each other, and Mark fixing some drinks. Engfa was already drunk so she had already lost track of forms, manners or inhibitions. The look Engfa was giving to Charlotte was so intense that Charlotte started to feel flustered. It was a clear, I WANT YOU NOW. It was also much more than that. And that was the scary part, how could a look tell so much, and weirder was that Charlotte understood everything Engfa was telling her. It said, I don't know what it is but I've never felt more connected with anyone else on this planet and I also had never felt the urge to feel someone skin as I feel right now and I can only think of kissing you, and touching you and be close to you cause you are absolutely driving me crazy at this point.

I said Charlotte was flustered. At this point she was turned on. She was painfully wet to be completely honest. Engfa looking at her like that felt like she was touching her. Like she was slowly breathing on the back of her neck, tracing the outline of her ears with her tongue, delicately passing her index finger on the contour of her lips. How was this even possible?

Charlotte gathered all the courage she had in her delicate body and announced, I'm going to the toilet, looking back to Engfa saying, follow me now. Mark was thankfully oblivious of all the interaction, fixated on getting the lemon peel right for the drinks. Engfa was about to stand up too, following Charlotte to the toilet when someone else entered the apartment and the magical spell was broken.

After that night Charlotte couldn't fool herself. There was something going on with Engfa.

The second time something happened was during a night out. Charlotte was hanging out with a cousin visiting from Phuket and they ended up going to a night club. She had no idea Engfa was there. Engfa was with a group of male friends, all good looking, all of them gay. It was her gang. When Charlotte spotted Engfa she went right away to say hi. Her cousin was meeting with some friends too so she didn't felt bad to leave her alone. Enfga proudly introduced Charlotte to everyone on her table and then offered her a drink. They stayed there for a while, dancing, drinking and just casually intensely looking at each other.

Should we go take a walk around? Engfa asked.

Mmm (imagine that famous thai nod that comes with a cute little sound), Char responded.

That was when Engfa got a hold of Charlotte's hand, guiding her through the crowds. And electricity started to flow from those hands. It was surreal. Can you get yourself pregnant from holding someone's hand? They couldn't believe it, it was so intense, like just the touch of their hands was convening all the emotions they had been feeling until that point.

When Charlotte left that night, with her cousin in the car speaking about something about a guy she was seeing, Char couldn't get her head around what had happened with Engfa. It was probably the most intense reaction she had ever felt in her body, and it was only from holding hands? It was starting to be scary. And so undeniable.

But then, the question started to rise, in both of them. That stupid human need to name everything. What was it? Was it romantic? Gay? Lesbian? The idea of giving themselves a label scared them so much they couldn't openly speak about it.

Charlotte was brave enough to ask Engfa. On the outside she always appeared more shy, more timid, but actually she was pretty brave, braver than most people. She had been through a lot and most of it by herself, so she was never really afraid. Engfa on the contrary always looked so sure of herself, so confident, but she was less brave, always hiding under her confidence. Covering up for what she was actually feeling. So, when Charlotte was brave enough to face Engfa and ask her about what was happening between them, Engfa was surprised. Surprised but also relieved. She had been asking herself the same thing.