Can't Really Explain It

CHAPTER 7: Only For a While

"Some absences are loud. Even when no one talks about them. Even when no one notices. Sometimes the loudest thing in a hallway is the echo of a name that no one says out loud." -Kahlil Loui Solis

Wednesday — 10:03 AM
Loui's Messenger Inbox

dalanDane:
hoy saan ka na talaga?
sinasabi ko sa mga prof may sakit ka, pero parang hindi sipon yung aura mo

You:
sorry, di talaga ako makapasok this week

dalanDane:
tas anong ginagawa mo ngayon, may pa-video shoot ka nanaman?

You:
can't say. secret muna
🙅‍♂️

dalanDane:
pota ka.
may nakita akong call sheet na may pangalan mong "Kahlil"

You:
snitched ka agad??

dalanDane:
sira syempre hindi

You:
miss ko na nga mga ingay niyo sa corridor

dalanDane:
kami pa talaga?
aminin mo na, miss mo na si crei

You:
shut up

dalanDane:
akala mo hindi ko napansin kung paano ka naghahanap pag dumadaan siya sa floor natin

[FLASHBACK - 5 days ago, Friday, 12:30 PM, UST Main Hallway]

Naglalakad kami ni Dane palabas ng Main building. May hawak akong cup of taho na malamig na dahil tagal ko nang hindi iniinom. Eyes scanning the crowd, ears half-tuned sa chika ni Dane tungkol sa bagong prof nila sa ABM.

But in truth?

I was looking for one person.

Dane saw it.

"Sige nga. Saan mo huling nakita si Crei?"

"Kanina sa third floor," I said, too quickly.

"Aha," he grinned. "G ka talaga."

I sighed. "Alam mo yung pakiramdam na... kahit isang sulyap lang, okay ka na? Kahit hindi kayo mag-usap? Basta makita mo lang siyang nandyan."

Dane looked at me like he wanted to laugh, but didn't. "Ganyan pala epekto ng soft boy sa'yo."

I rolled my eyes. "Di nga siya soft boy."

"Hindi?? Boi nagsosorry siya kahit siya na nga yung nabunggo."

I bit my lip. Okay. Fine.

Wednesday, 11:56 AM
Loui's Condo Unit, Makati

I was lying on the couch, makeup half-done, phone vibrating against my chest. Dane sent another meme of a frog crying with the caption: "when u haven't seen ur not-boyfriend in a week and ur dying in soft silence."

I smiled. Weakly.

Because he was right.

Missing someone you never even had is the worst kind of longing.

Thursday — 1:33 PM
STEM HA6 Group Chat

Sica:
wala na naman si loui today??

Mei:
sinipon daw sabi ni dane

Trina:
dami na niyang absent baka di na magprelims

Sica:
wala tuloy akong mapaghingin ng snacks

I read it. I read all of it.
And still couldn't reply.

Because I wasn't sick.
I was working.
And I wanted it to be a secret.

Not just to them.

But also to him.

Crei.

Friday — 3:00 PM
Studio Lot in BGC

The sound of the assistant director's walkie-talkie echoed across the studio.

I was in full wardrobe, hair styled to imperfection, as the production lights adjusted behind me.

My phone buzzed.

dalanDane:
update mo ko pag nakatingin na siya sa camera mo

I smirked.

You:
feeling ko di ko kakayanin tingnan yung camera if iniisip ko siya

"Kahli," the director called from behind the set monitor. "You're up."

I stood, wiped my palms on my pants, and took a breath.

"Some absences are chosen. Not because we want to leave, but because we need to return stronger. And maybe, just maybe... we want to be missed. Even by someone who never had the chance to say they do." -Kahlil Loui Solis