Parted / Reunited (A Jessa / Heronstairs Fanfic)

The Curse of Immortality

Tessa wept softly as she held her husband's hands.  She was standing over him as he lay breathing softly, weakly.  She clung to those hands she loved as though they were the only things anchoring her to the earth.  Though the skin was now wrinkled, they were still the hands of a musician.  Those long, dexterous fingers had held his violin almost as lovingly as they had held her.  She felt a twisting pain in her chest, realizing she would never again hear her Jem play his violin.

The curse of immortality was that she was always losing those she loved.  She knew she was lucky to have found such great love in her life; two great loves, in fact.  Lucky, because she had thought she would lose Jem long ago.  Now that they had known one another for nearly 200 years, she couldn't believe he was really going to leave her.

But he will get to be with Will again.  The thought, though terribly painful for her, made her inexpressibly happy for Jem.  They had been apart so long.  She had known the loss that Will experienced when his parabatai became a Silent Brother.  She had known Jem's loss when Will died.  She had lived with Jem for years now, loving one another but always missing the one who had left holes in both their hearts.  William, my William.

For anyone else, it would have been disloyal to be mourning her late husband while sitting at the deathbed of her current one.  But for Tessa Herondale Carstairs, it was natural.  For when it came to Jem and Will, to think of one was to think of the other; to love one was to love the other.  Never had three people shared their hearts so fully, so equally, so beautifully.  And now she would be the one left behind. 

Tessa wept.  She cried for the beautiful silver-haired boy she had met so long ago, who had given his heart away fully to his parabatai and to her.  She cried for the man with the scarred cheeks and closed eyes who had wept upon hearing that Will and Tessa named their son James.  She cried for the Silent Brother who always came to help the Herondales, even when the reason was insubstantial.  She cried for the boy on the bridge, who had surprised her by arriving in human attire, no longer a Silent Brother.  She cried with joy, remembering their wedding and how happy they were to finally get to fulfill the promises they had made all those years before. 

She and Jem had led a wonderful life together, just as she and Will had done.  She had no regrets, but many sorrows.  She would miss him every day.  She would always miss both of them. 

"Tessa," Jem whispered, eyes fluttering open.

"James," she responded, moving a hand up to cradle his face. 

Tears fell from her eyes onto Jem's chest as they looked at one another, memorizing every detail for the last time.

"Wo ai ni... Tessa."  The words were broken as he spoke with shallow breaths.

"I love you too, James.  I always have and I always will."  Her voice broke and she began to shake.

"I am afraid to leave you."  Jem's characteristic love and concern filled his dark eyes as he looked at his wife.  She knew he didn't mean he was afraid to die, but rather that he was afraid of what his death would do to her.

"Jem, my love, don't be afraid.  I always knew this would happen.  I chose to be with you and suffer this loss.  For 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Jem's mouth twitched up at the corners.  "Quoting Tennyson."  He let out a wheezy chuckle.  "You sound like Will."

The mention of Will's name caused both of them to pause for a moment, remembering the one they loved.

"Tell him for me, James," Tessa said softly.  "Tell him I love him.  And I miss him every day."  She smiled through her tears.

"Of course."  Jem smiled back at her.

"I am... so glad you will finally be together again."  She squeezed his hands more tightly as she said this, wanting him to know she meant it.

"We will see you again, Tessa.  If we are born again, we will meet you in another life.  If there is a river, we will wait on the shores for you to come to us, so we can cross together."

"Mizpah, my love."  The Lord watch between me and thee when we are absent one from another.

"Mizpah, Tessa."

Those were the last words spoken in life by James Carstairs.  Tessa watched and waited as he closed his eyes and breathed his last.  "Ave atque vale, Ke Jian Ming," she whispered as she let go of his hands.  She did not want to remember them feeling cold.  She nodded at the Silent Brother who had been standing by the door, ready to take the body to the Silent City.

She stepped out of the room in a daze, wandering the hallways of her own home as if in a foreign land.  After a few hours, she pulled out her phone.

"Hello?" said a familiar voice.

"Magnus?" she asked softly, her voice heavy with grief.

"Oh, Tessa..." Understanding was clear in Magnus's voice.  "Is he gone?"

"Yes, a little while ago.  I... I don't know what to do..."

"I'll be right there." 

The phone clicked.  A few seconds later a portal opened in her living room, and Magnus stepped through.  He sat down next to her on the sofa and threw his arms around her.  Tessa let herself cry then.  She was in the arms of a friend, and one of the only people who truly understood.  Magnus had lost Alec only two years before.  They stayed like that for what seemed an eternity, two immortals, both wise enough to know that mortality is not what makes someone vulnerable.  For vulnerability is directly proportional to one's capacity to love.