Strings of Fate: The First Loop

chapter 36 : the ghost in the byline

“you survive it,” she says. “some women, like me, we sit with that pain. we learn to breathe through it. you stop expecting, you start adapting. you build your world around what’s left.”

“and others?” i ask.

she smiles a little, not kindly, just knowingly. “others fight for it. claw for their place. make noise. show up anyway and ask, why not me? and maybe sometimes they win. but most of the time…”

she looks at me.

“if you’re not the answer, olive, you won’t ever be. not even in another lifetime. not in any reality.”

silence stretches between us. a mother who stayed quiet her whole life, and a daughter who’s only now learning how silence can feel like a prison.

“so, then what’s the point?” i whisper.

she leans in and kisses the top of my head. “the point isn’t always being chosen. sometimes, it’s choosing yourself, even if no one else does.”

i don’t say anything back.

but her words stay with me, long after the lights go out and i'm alone again with the truth:

that grief doesn’t always come from death.
sometimes it comes from knowing someone lived… and still didn’t pick you.

when the door clicked shut, and i was alone again, i stared at the ceiling until the silence started whispering in my ears.
mom would be in the living room by now, hunched over her sewing machine, making little stitches with quiet hands. that’s how she coped, with thread and fabric and the whir of a needle. that’s how she kept from screaming.

i don’t remember when i first learned how to stay quiet too.
maybe it started the same time i started waiting.

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we were thirteen.

“DREEEWWW,” i called out in that teasing tone i reserved only for him. he was sitting on the bench outside the school gym, arms slack, eyes hollow like someone had just stolen his favorite candy.

he didn’t look up. “dad scolded me again,” he mumbled. “he said basketball’s a waste of time. wants me to quit.”

i remember the way i clenched my fists. “what? that’s so stupid.”

he shrugged, like it was already a losing battle. like he already believed his father more than he believed in himself.

i sat beside him and leaned my head on his shoulder. “don’t worry, DREW. i'm here. i’ll cheer for you.”

he looked at me, a little surprised. “really?”

“always.”

he smiled.... really smiled.... and in that second, i almost believed i was enough.

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fourteen.

we sat under the bleachers after practice. he kicked gravel around with his shoes and told me about lorie. his first love.

“she’s so cool,” he said. “and she’s always got my back. she’s just… she sees me.”

i smiled. faked it. nodded like ibwas genuinely happy for him.

“that’s great, DREW,” i said.
i didn’t mean it.
but i said it anyway.

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