Today - Day 18

Day 18

Today is the start of a new month, yet I'm still the old me. The same me that walked into this clinic 17 cays ago. Or, atleast that's what some of the voices in my head are enying The chers are saying that Ire changed. That Ive learred and grown. I'm choosing to listen to the latter, which is very unlike me.
Altnaigh, I think that kinda proves those voices are right. Before I got here, I'd be prore, and, maybe ven keen to listen to all the regative voices in my head. I'd believe every werd they said too. According to my therapist (psychologist), Diare, the loudest of those negative voice belongs to my fatter and all the others are bom from it, Like a tall, strong, unmovable oak, with many far reaching branches, with each leaf ar butt is a specific (bad) regative thought abait mself and if ore of those buts happens to bleam, its because negativity is a hulking, thirty year old oak, I need to find a
- berch at o Lire untng off
eventually I have to rip it ait at its roots. It will take time, hard work and perseverance. Not to even mention the sheer will power I need to find inside myself to be able to even begin the mammoth tosk. Then theres a newly planted sappling. Or, shoud I rather say newly transplantec sappling. Initially planted in c ark, diy, forgotten corner in (pau the forest that's my mind, existing, but completely ever-shadowed and neglected. My second task is as claunting as the first. After transplanting that sapling into a bright spot, constantl bathed in direct sunlight, I need to make sure that nothing breaks the connection between sapling and direct sunlight. I also need to ensure the soil is constantly filled with nutrients and water.
The goal is to keep that sapling as healthy as possible and nurture it constantly so that it can gron into the largest tree in
my mind, towering aerall drers.
The constant forus and effert put into the growth of the positivity that is represented by said sapling inherently means neglecting all the regativity that suraunds
it, only pay ing them and mind
when it tries to reschat and infect my sapling, so I need to trim the offending limb. There's a quote that says, he each hove o darkness and light within us, the one we feed is the one that grows until it overtakes us completely.
It's thot logic that I'm trying o apply to my mental state
The hope is that by feeding are nurturing the sappling, whic neglecting all negativity and after ripping out that oak tree, the sapling will eventually overtake the forest (e) that is my mind and I will be able to look at myself and smile with price, instead of being consume with disgust and self-hate nhen I 50 mch as think of myself, as is the case at the moment. Thinking about the job that lies ahead is terrifying and makes the ward, "impossible", come to mind, but I'm fighting with all that I hove ardam to Lo not let those feelings and thoughts take over. I'm tired of letting the negativity win. I want Lo be able to look in a mirror. Wher I do, I want to see myself for my beautiful heart, mind and spirit and not the bady that's covered in scars and (a) imperfections.
It's just so difficult, thagh.