Hello guys, I'm new here and I don't know a lot about Wattpad but it's okay; I don't have time anyway...
First of all, I'm a seventeen year-old girl who, you can say, grew up faster than she should be especially emotionally. Beside that, I'm born with anemia so it affects my body growth like my height and weight (I got bullied from that)
But,I'm born differently with two things: intelligence and emotional sensitivity.
In my school life, I was always getting the best grades and I was proud of it until something came to start ending it and ending me slowly: Love.
Love isn't just a word to me, it means my life, literally. I can't stand a day without having someone in my mind (maybe it can be a mental health problem)
I tried to stop it but it's getting worse so I can only pray for a guy who doesn't break my heart again...
At my Lower Secondary School, my love career started: I had so many crushes that I can barely remember all of them, and I still don't know why I even thought about them. That could be only wanting to feel loved.
Feeling loved is not that easy, people try to get that feeling by months, years, and some of them don't even get it. Since my childhood, Even when my parents were giving me all the love, I was admiring being liked or loved by a male. It was since I knew kind boys who were in my primary school and I thought that everyone was as innocent as I am.
In my first year in second school, I was so naive that I accepted to be in a friendzone with a drug dealer. He was my crush and my classmate. I was destroyed. Completely. I was trying to make him proud of me so I tried the vape and started saying bad words. I didn't know what was on my mind but all I know now is that he manipulated me and was proud of it. He was hating me Secretly while I laughed with him and got ignored daily.
As long as I hated love, nothing can make me stop loving people until I found the charming prince everyone is talking about. I'm really sensitive and no one can understand me because I was never understood, I was blamed instead..that really turned me into a quiet and shy person.
After a year full of heartbreaks, I moved to another secondary school and I found my true love.
I had a classmate who was as quiet as me, maybe a bit more talkative but I feel the same vibe. He was kind and loved by everyone that I couldn't really understand what friend group he was in. Days passed by and my heart started beating every time I walked next to him...Love. I tried to convince myself that it's just a crush and started distracting myself by other crushes, even getting a boyfriend who I broke up with in one day because our feelings were totally wrong, but at the end of the school year, my heart automatically returned to him.
He was the most perfect person I've ever known: kind, respectful, friendly, cool, playful, and the most important, religious. Since I'm a pro stalker, I discovered that he had a cat and loves nature and that's really cute and adorable. He's perfect.
We started talking at the end of the school year and discovered his real personality and... problems. He also had a medical condition and emotional problems as I do. I knew that we were alike but not at this point. As we started interacting, there were too many mixed signals that I really hated...
Since my childhood, I've been known as the drama queen in our family because I was so sensitive and quick-tempered. But I just found out that I have anxiety disorder and that I can't tell my family about it because they'll just think I'm being silly and all because of my phone. They don't understand me. I want to be understood. I really want to. Even I'm saying wrong things but hear me first before shouting at me. I don't want pity, I want love, I'm tired of pushing people away even who cared about me deeply, I only want understanding and..Love...
As I'm a pro stalker, I discovered that he had so much hidden pain and I really want to comfort him and say this to him:
"Hey, I know we aren't that close but I want to tell you that I care deeply about you, more than you can think. I really love you and love the days we meet in, the places we talked about, the words we shared, the jokes we laughed at. I love that smile, that brown eyes that reflects mine, that kindhearted laugh that makes me melt. I love you. I really mean it. I'm thinking of you daily and I can't stop. Be honest with me, it will affect me but better than affect both of us. I want you to be fair with yourself and say the truth. Do you share the same feelings for me?"
I know this is so long and I couldn't write everything because I'm really getting emotional now, but he needs to know this, to know that he's not alone, no matter what happens between us, even if we didn't get together, even if we got separated, even if fate was against us, my heart will always stay with his name in it.
Thanks for fully reading my diary though my English is not so good but I promise that I'll publish My diary 2 soon. See ya <3
