When I'm Ready Again

Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The beginning

In August 2022, on the first day of her junior high school life, Stephanie walked into a new chapter with nerves, excitement, and the quiet curiosity of youth. Amid the sea of unfamiliar faces, one boy stood out—Stanley. Her new classmate. He didn’t know it, but he caught her attention that very day. Still, Stephanie brushed it off as nothing more than a happy crush. The kind that makes you smile for no reason, but doesn’t ask for anything more.

Not long after, through her cousin, she met someone else—Ian. He was in Grade 9, older, and belonged to a different world. She didn’t expect anything from it, didn’t expect her heart to choose him. But it did. Quietly, deeply, and hopelessly. For the rest of that school year, she admired him from afar, content with stolen glances and the soft glow of what it meant to like someone without them ever knowing. He was her “greatest crush.” But Ian never knew Stephanie existed.

Ian had a code name—“Going back to the corner.” A reference that made sense only to her heart, because that’s what it felt like: waiting in silence, hoping he’d turn and notice her someday.

Meanwhile, Stanley was already taken. He had a girlfriend. So Stephanie simply stayed in the background—feeling, observing, and letting time pass.

In Grade 8, the next year, she was still in the same section with Stanley, while Ian entered his final year in junior high. Her feelings for Ian remained, and she held onto that admiration like it was something sacred. Her room that year was the same room where Ian once stayed when he was in Grade 9. Ian’s room was on the first floor of their building, while hers was on the second floor, right above. Infront of the corridor, was the room Ian had been in during Grade 10—the same spot where she first saw him. Every time she walked those halls, echoes of the past followed her. The place carried his memory.

Then came December 14, 2023—a Thanksgiving party at school. A day she’d remember forever.

It was the first time she had a small interaction with Ian. Brief. Fleeting. But enough to make her heart beat just a little faster. Yet the same day became the most painful. She saw how Ian treated his girlfriend—sweet, attentive, and full of care. It was everything Stephanie had dreamed of, but never received. That night, she made a quiet promise to herself: “I will move on.” And true to her word, she did. Slowly, silently, and with grace.

Stanley, by then, was no longer in a relationship. But he was developing feelings for another classmate—Gianne. Stephanie took notice but stayed quiet.

Some days, memories would find their way back, unexpectedly, through music. When “Panaginip” or “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved” played, her thoughts drifted back to Ian—her greatest crush, her silent what-if.

Grade 9 came around. Ian had left the campus, and in his absence, Stephanie found it easier to breathe, to heal, and to let go completely. Stanley, still in her class, pursued Gianne seriously. But due to Gianne’s parents' disapproval, their romance was cut short. In the meantime, Stephanie and Stanley had grown close through shared friendships, laughter-filled moments, and a growing bond she hadn’t expected to return.

Before she could make sense of what was happening inside her, her heart betrayed her—those old feelings for Stanley started to return. But she kept them buried. She never said a word. Not when she knew he had loved someone else. Not when she found out he was dating again. And definitely not when her heart broke silently.

Sometimes, when the songs “Sa’yo” or “Bawat Daan” played, it was Stanley she remembered—his laugh, their shared days, the almost-but-never.

In October 2024, Stephanie’s grandfather in Iloilo passed away. Just before she left for the province, she made herself another promise: “When I come back, my feelings for Stanley will be gone.” It was a line drawn in the sand. And once again, she kept her word.

When she returned on November 6, she found out Stanley and Gianne had reconnected. It stung. But she didn’t let it shake her. She remained still, composed, and grounded.

On November—Stanley’s birthday—they celebrated with friends, including Gianne. Stephanie showed up with a smile, even if her heart had just managed to pull itself back together.

Then came November 15. Their school hosted a literary cosplay event. Stephanie wore a long dress and had asked her friend Lalaine to meet her at the gate. But when she arrived, it wasn’t Lalaine who greeted her—it was Kian. Another close friend from their circle. He was kind, funny, and in love with one of their mutual friends, Dennise.

And yet, something shifted that day.

A feeling Stephanie didn’t expect began to bloom. She tried to ignore it. Tried to bury it like the others. But it lingered in the quiet. A new affection. A new possibility. But she never confessed. How could she? He was her best friend. And he liked someone else.

Still, the feeling stayed—quiet, uninvited, but warm.

Whenever she heard “Ikot” or “Can’t Help Falling in Love,” her heart softly whispered his name—Kian. A quiet ache. A fragile maybe.

So she did what she always did: she fought it. Fought hard until it faded.

And eventually, it did.

Stephanie had learned that love isn’t always about being chosen back. Sometimes, love is choosing yourself—even if your heart is full of stories that never got to finish.

But she isn’t bitter. She doesn’t regret the feelings she held. She knows her heart still believes in love—just not the kind she has to beg for. Not the kind that’s already claimed. Not the kind that leaves her guessing.

She was learning that the right person doesn’t make you question your worth. The right person won’t be someone else’s before they’re yours. The right person wouldn’t make her promise herself to move on—they would never put her in a position to.

She hoped that the next time love knocks, it wouldn’t come wrapped in confusion, in timing that doesn’t align, or in someone who doesn’t know how to choose her. She hoped it would come like dawn—quiet, certain, and impossible to ignore.

"I hope that when love finds me again,” she whispered one night, “it finds me whole. And I hope it’s brave enough to stay."

Because when she’s ready again, she’ll be braver, wiser, and more certain of the love she deserves.