This Cracked Chest: Entries of a Muslim Hijaby

On the crashing of my laptop

I stare at my laptop screen, and I cannot write.

There's only one thought breathing through me, making me paralyzed: I lost all my work – what does that mean for me now?

Recently, my laptop crashed. It was working one second, and then the next: black. It reminds me of that week I was in Egypt when my family was invited to a dinner every night, dinner that consisted of fantastic, mouth-watering Egyptian food. And I had gotten such a badass virus that I had lost my ability to taste. The irony.

Have you ever lost something you use daily and realized shortly that you needed it?

Losing my sense of taste was like that. Losing all the writing, all the pieces on my laptop, was worse. I felt my insides crumble when the guy at the Apple store looked at me and said, "If you haven't backed up your files, there's a high chance you've lost them all." I'm surprised I didn't snap into my dark moods or have a breakdown.

Now I hold this new laptop like a newborn baby. It's completely new, I know it. They told me they'd "replaced" parts of the laptop, but I look for the scratches I'd made before and the places I'd stained, and they are not there. This is a whole new laptop. I have to build a whole new relationship with it. It is not mine.

All the experiences I'd trusted the old laptop with, Oh, God, all the moments I'd given it – three or four years worth of moments and pain and happiness – all gone.

So instead of letting myself fall into a dark pit where I am at a loss for words, I'm taking this as a sign from God and from life. The message I'm receiving is this: I didn't take care for my experiences, I didn't appreciate them, and I didn't share them.

I will no longer be afraid to show my work, I will no longer hold back, I will no longer let my thoughts pile up on my desktop.

So here it is – here are all the moments I remember from my first year of college, which I have safely existed out of and will soon enter my sophomore year, inshAllah (if God wills). Here are the moments that have made me who I am and reminded me of who I was. Here are all the moments I can remember.

I am trusting you with these experiences.

Please, do not crash like my computer.

You the best, 

- N.T.