Just A Notion

Chapter 32: Move On

     Well, it wouldn’t be possible to record an album without Frida, and if they asked her to do it alone, Agnetha knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. And even if Frida came back, it would most likely not be possible either. They weren’t the same people they were before, even if Benny and Björn pretended that they were. It would never be the same and it'll only be a matter of time until the public finds out about it.

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Tuesday, 6th October.

     Agnetha woke up in the evening after a day of drifting in and out of sleep, and she felt different. There was something that changed in the air around her. The way these walls of her bedroom looked, the way the city lights filtered through her curtains, the stillness of her apartment. It no longer felt like home. There was this undeniable finality in that very moment. Agnetha knew it was time to get going.

     She breathed in one last time before getting out of her bed and walking into the living room. She stood there for a moment, taking in what she was seeing. It wasn’t the part of her home it once was, the room in which she loved spending time on her own, watching movies late at night, playing games with her best friend. It was all so innocent back then. It was a time where she allowed herself to let go and live her life to the fullest, surrounded by the people she loved. It was her safe space, a bubble into which only she decided who to allow in and who to deny access.

     It won´t ever be like that, at least not in that apartment. The memories she had made belong in these walls and these new feelings she tried incorporating just didn’t fit in. It wasn’t a happy place anymore. She could only see sadness, devastation and grief. The piles of photos, written letters and postcards, gifts and vinyl records laid all across the floor. Wherever her gaze drifted to, she looked at her from every part of the room. She had tried and tried to make herself think that Frida was still present and that she had never actually left. She wanted to believe that everything was okay, and so she spent each day talking to the pictures, singing along to her voice, rereading her letters.

     Now that she was reimagining herself during that last year, she knew it couldn’t go on like that. She had to move on no matter how hard it was and how much time it would take her to get over her. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but who is she to give up? She had done it before when she got divorced from Björn, why wouldn’t she be able to do it once again?

     Because she isn’t Björn. Her inner voice reminded her bitterly. She didn’t want to cry, she had avoided it for the last couple of weeks, but she couldn’t hold it back anymore. Tear after tear came flowing down her red cheeks as her eyes wandered across the floor.

     She sank to the floor and grabbed the nearest things around her and took a look at them, as much as her blurry eyes allowed her to. She stared at her favourite picture she had of Frida, a small polaroid which she had taken with Frida´s camera. She and Agnetha were walking along the harbour in the centre of Stockholm one summer evening. Agnetha remembered it as if it was yesterday. It had been an extraordinarily hot day and as the night began to set in, a colder breeze surrounded them, calming itself from the heat.

     It had been an evening Agnetha couldn’t forget. The way they talked as the made their way along the water, watching the seagulls fly across the sky, just them alone. Frida had stopped every now and then to take photos of the boats, the buildings with all their lights and the sky and encouraged Agnetha to try it herself.

     Without Frida looking, she had taken photos of her instead. She loved the way the light of the streetlamps got caught in her red hair that spilled loosely over her bare shoulders, the elegance of her in that white summer dress that reached down to her knees, the calm steps she took gazing upon their surroundings as if she had never seen them before.

     She must have taken at least four different photos before Frida turned around and spotted Agnetha pointing the camera at her and she couldn’t help but smile at that sweet gesture.

     That was the moment Agnetha had captured. Frida´s eyes sparkled in that moment of realization, her smile brighter than ever. It was a night she begged herself to remember. She had kept the photo safe in the drawer in her bedside table and the sight of Frida on there still made her heart flutter every time she looked at it.

     She wiped away her tears, put the photo into her pocket and started to collect the things laying across the floor and stored them in various boxes she had prepared some time ago, because she knew one day she would have to start packing her stuff. During that process she couldn’t help but turn on the music again. Frida´s voice sort of grounded her, being able to calm Agnetha even in tough moments like that.

     It was about three in the morning when she stood at the door, her hand tightly holding onto her bag, looking into the apartment. It looked as empty and lifeless as it had looked when she moved in.

     “May the next owners be blessed with a happy ending.”, she whispered into the stillness of the night. She took one last breath in, reached for the handle and softly slammed the door shut.

     When she thought about where to go after she moved out, she hadn’t ever thought of leaving the country, she wouldn’t have had the heart to leave the only place she loved the most. She just had to get out of the city, away from the scenes that haunted her dreams, away from the people she can´t get out of her head.

     Before she left, she wanted to say goodbye to Benny and Björn but they weren’t at home and so she went on without looking back.

     She had visited her grandparents in Dalarna before, so she knew the way already. Fighting against the tiredness she pushed through the night.

     As the first light was seen on the horizon, she had almost made it and after at least five hours of driving nonstop, the only thing she wanted most was to fall into her bed.

     She let out a deep sigh of relief when she spotted the big house in the distance. It was an old building, many generations before her had spent their lives in there. The place was surrounded by nature accompanied by a beautiful view onto the large lake. The yellow façade added a cozy touch to the view onto the area.

     The subtle morning sun peeked through the trees onto the lake, filling the scene with a welcoming atmosphere, even Agnetha couldn’t look away. Despite her longing to explore the new area, she had to rest and that´s what she had to consider first.

     She searched her pocket for the key and opened the big wooden door and stepped through the entrance. The second she entered, a cold and damp smell reached her nose, leading her into her new home.

     She quickly shook off her shoes, leaving them behind in front of the door and directly went up the majestic staircase opposite the doorway. She had spent the night there before when she had visited her grandparents over the summer and always had a room, provided for her only, but since she would be the sole owner, she could take whatever room she preferred.

     And so, she made her way to the biggest bedroom, which was usually the room her grandparents had used. She opened the door with an audible creek and her eyes directly landed on the perfectly made bed on her right.

     Already half asleep, she took slow steps towards it, slipping out of her sweater and jeans that were too uncomfortable to sleep in, and finally threw herself onto the soft mattress, covering her body with the heavy blanket.

     Although it was practically already in the morning, the warm sunlight filtering through the leaves of the trees outside the windows, casting dancing beams of light onto the light walls, she almost fell asleep instantly, finally having no strength to worry about anything but herself again.

     Maybe she would find peace, maybe the problem was indeed the city that reminded her of everything and maybe, just maybe she would have the chance to forget the person she longed for most.