Just A Notion

Chapter 32: Move On

1981

     From the first year living in Stockholm, Agnetha had sworn to herself she wouldn’t leave this place ever again. There was just something about this city that drew her to it, that made her want to stay as long as she can, but that promise slowly started fading as the weeks after Frida´s disappearance passed by.

     She started to hate the things around her, the places, the coffee shops, the parks, everything that brought her joy in the past. She had tried to regain her love for her surroundings by forcing herself out of her apartment, but everywhere she looked, she saw her. Memories came flooding back, haunting her until she couldn’t take it anymore.

     That decision of moving away was not easy to make. It was even harder having to convince herself that this place isn’t the home it once was for her. That chapter in her life was closing itself and so did the years, spent in perfect harmony with her friends and her passion for music.

     She didn’t pack her things right away, though she had already planned where to live next. Her grandparents promised her the villa in Dalarna in the middle of Sweden, a region Agnetha had always adored. Despite everything being ready for her to leave, there was still hope somewhere at the bottom of her heart, hope that maybe one morning she´ll wake up to Frida knocking on her door, hope that this might actually have been just a dream, something she had imagined. There were things holding her back from leaving as soon as that thought crossed her mind. She had spent an incredibly long time living in that apartment. A time filled with relationships, creativity, friendships, learning new things, spending quality time on her own, catching up with friends drinking wine on the balcony and watching the sun set.

     These are the memories she still held onto and might completely leave behind if she left. But also that feeling faded and instead the sadness of a life without Frida pierced her heart everyday she opened her eyes in the morning. The atmosphere of that space pressed down on her like an invisible weight, threatening to crush her whole.

     Every morning she hurried to get the daily paper and scanned all the articles presented there. Before the incident she hadn’t been much of a paper reader, in fact, she even avoided them at all costs, afraid to see pictures of herself and made-up rumours, but somehow that was her only choice to know if something had made its way to the public, if someone saw her, even if that meant having to face disgusting rumours.

     Her apartment hadn’t changed much from the first days of Frida´s absence. She couldn’t bring herself to clean up or even try to remove the mess she had created. That was who she was. The chaos represented her completely. It perfectly showed how from one day to another, her whole life could turn upside down, how one minute of realization can change everything in someone´s heart.

     There were days when she sat next to her record player, her back resting against the wall, her eyes staring into nothingness, listening to Frida´s albums over and over again, singing along with her voice, just like they had done in the studio with Benny and Björn. And some days she couldn’t even get out of bed, too exhausted to even make herself something to eat.

     Agnetha hadn’t tried to talk to anybody, she simply didn’t want to. She knew Benny and Björn were working on their new album, they had constantly been talking about wanting to make a new one and ideas for that they already had in mind when all four of them were still in the studio. It felt weird for her to know that the boys still thought ABBA would continue after all that had happened, that they believed they could record yet another album and act like nothing changed.