As I took another hit of my vape I could smell nothing but the overwhelming stench of weed and watermelon. 3 AM, that's what I saw as I looked around in my dark room. I had school in a few hours, I didn't care. I put my vape down and searched for my phone in the darkness. After a few seconds, I found the phone sitting on my nightstand. 3 AM I read again, multiple notifications from Instagram all from her. HER. She had ignored me all day yesterday just to respond when I finally fell asleep—same old responses to my messages. I hated myself for not getting over her. She has a boyfriend now, she's forgotten all about what we used to be. Why couldn't I? Maybe it was the fact I missed the love she gave to me during our time together as an item. Maybe it was the fact it messed me up so badly that I can't seem to love anyone the same way again. Whatever the reason It was over, nothing more, nothing less. I left her on read and closed Instagram. I opened up Spotify and put on the playlist I had first made for her when we met. It was the only thing that kept me going during this time. 16 years old and my life was already turning to shit. Without even laying back down I fell asleep. As I drifted off to sleep I saw vivid pictures of what we used to be.
I woke up from the sudden noise of what sounded like footsteps, I looked around taking in my surroundings. As I saw it, I jumped out of bed fully awake now. Due to the fact, I was so tired I completely forgot to stash my vape away in my bag before I fell back asleep. I shoved it in my bag right as my mom walked into my room.
"Do you know what time it is Mija? You should be up and ready to go already!"
I looked at my clock, it read: 7:30 AM. Shit, I was late already. Without even responding to my mom, I put on my shoes and left the house without changing my clothes. My bag felt like a boulder on my sleep-deprived back. I grabbed my wallet from my front pocket and pulled out the 20 bucks I had stashed for my drink. I put my wallet back and grabbed my earbuds. I put both in and put on Spotify. I put on the soundtrack for Cyberpunk Edgerunners and put my phone back in my pocket. When I reached the gas station, I saw her. I had ignored her texts the night before. I just pretended she didn't exist as I walked past her to enter the store. I could've sworn she had said something to me, but I didn't care enough to listen. I walked to the Monster Energy section and grabbed a 4 pack. I paid for the drinks and left the store. By the time I left the store, she was already gone. I walked to school and cracked open one of the monsters. I stopped to pull the vape out of my bag. I walked to school smoking and drinking my Monster, what a life I live.
By the time I arrived at the school, I had already chugged one of my monsters. I put my vape back into my bag and walked to class, ignoring my friends. The class was boring and felt like a year before it was over. The next period came and went as if I had been blacked out the entire time. The day was uneventful, that was the case for most of it. Once school had ended I had drank all of the monsters I had bought a few hours prior. My body felt like it was about to crumble, my vape was dead, and all the energy I had completely disappeared. I felt light-headed, I thought nothing of it. My vision went black and the last thing I could hear was a thud.
Bright lights blinded me. Where was I? What happened? I could barely think, it was too bright. My arms felt tight like something was restraining me. When my vision finally returned I was in what seemed to be a small room, a white room with tons of lights. it resembled a hospital. I heard voices. My father's voice. I sprung up, my arm wasn't restrained but it felt heavy as hell. I got out of bed and fell to the floor. Two people rushed In and picked me up. One was my father and the other was a doctor, she was tall and skinny. She had this warm vibe from the way she spoke. My hearing was still a little fuzzy but I could make out the fact that my dad was screaming at me for being stupid, or something like that. Even in this state he still resorted to screaming at me to get his point across. They put me back on the bed, I tried to fight it. I could hear the lady explaining to my father that I had passed out due to lack of sleep and nutrition. My dad argued that it wasn't the case but I already knew it was true. I drifted back into a sleep state.
My dad had taken me home while I was asleep. I woke up in my bed with the same aching feeling I had while I was in that hospital. My phone was on the nightstand, my dad or mom must have put it there when they brought me home. it hurt to move, I struggled to reach my phone. Once I had gotten my phone I laid back down and checked my phone. More texts from her. Why couldn't she leave me alone?
INSTAGRAM
"Heyy, are you ok?? I heard what happened. I'm worried about you Mari, you haven't replied to me over the last 2 days."
"Yeah, I'm fine, Just lack of sleep."
"What about this morning? You completely ignored me when I was trying to talk to you. Why are you ignoring me all of a sudden?"
"I had earbuds in. I didn't hear you."
I closed Instagram and put on music. It was only 8 pm so I decided to work on my novel. I finished half a chapter before my phone started to ring. It was Her. The 5 letter name that plagued my mind for months was calling me. The reason my life went to shit is calling me. Why. Why was she calling ME? I didn't pick up, it went to voice mail, 4 texts, all about how I've been ignoring her. it was 10 pm now and I didn't understand why she was calling so late. She never cared about me in the first place, why does she suddenly care so much? My phone rang again, her name gave me a headache. I finally gave in and picked up the phone.
"What do you want?" My head was pounding and my body still ached. It hurt to speak.
"Why are you ignoring me? What did I do to deserve this? I've been nice to you even when my friends tell me I shouldn't. What's your fucking problem?"
I couldn't speak, it hurt too much. Nice? To me? Bullshit. All she's done to me is make my life a living hell. I gave her everything. All my love went to her and she broke my trust, Broke my life. She can complain all she wants but it won't change how she treated me. I hung up the phone and laid back down. My body was shaking, I felt a range of emotions overwhelm my body all at once. Tears ran down my face as I began to think about what she told me. She was nice to me, she was a good person, and she was a good girlfriend. My mental state and lack of ability to believe I could ever be loved had pushed me to the brink of insanity. It was my fault, not hers. Why am I like this? Why do I let myself drown in self-pity and blame everyone else for my struggles? Why can't I just be normal like everyone else? I have no friends, no one who loves me even in the slightest, except for her. She loved me, and I threw it away because I couldn't accept that someone could like a person like me.
