... And There She Was

Chapter 39

Marla wasn't lying when she'd said the story of baby Penny was a long one.

Baby Penny was born on November 5, 1989. Her mother, a 16 year-old high school drop-out named Mae, had been thrown out of her abusive home when her mother and her mother's boyfriend had found out she had become pregnant. Little is known about Mae, as she passed away shortly after the birth due to hemorrhaging. Penny was born too soon, too small, and too sick. The doctors and nurses (including Marla) were there to whisk the baby into the NICU, where they worked tirelessly for several minutes to get the premature baby to take her first breath. To their relief, she finally did. Her tiny, pink, almost still translucent chest heaving up and down with each labored breath. They waited over her night and day, nurses working round to clock to make sure the baby had every chance to grow up strong and healthy. Day by day, step by step, she slowly started to gain weight. Her heart got strong. Her lungs developed.

She began to thrive.

"She's a lucky one," they would say, when the day finally came that she opened up her sleepy, big brown eyes to stare at the people that had been helping her to get big and strong.

And thus, she was appropriately named by the NICU nurses...Penelope. 'Penny', for short. Lucky Penny.

Why did the nurses get to name her?

Unfortunately, the story gets worse.

Through the mother's fingerprints and a prior criminal history of minor misdemeanors, they were able to identify her and therefore her closest living relative. Mae's mother Sherylynn was called by the hospital staff. A woman who had no interest in raising yet another baby, especially the daughter of her daughter whom she said "wasn't ever nothin' but a damn screw up anyways", she signed over any rights as guardian to the baby to the state of California. When Sherylynn brought in the likely suspect of Mae's pregnancy, a young man named Roger, a paternity test was performed. He was the father. A young man, very much lost in his own right, Roger too signed over his parental rights to the baby, though with it much more compassion.

"I just know she can have a better life with someone else. Someday..." he'd tearfully whispered as he illegibly scrawled his signature on the papers, before being yanked away by the collar of his shirt by Sherylynn, who had been moaning about a manicure appointment she still had to get to.

The nurses would admit later, amongst only themselves of course, that it was probably the best thing for Penny to be given up by that woman. She wouldn't have stood a chance.

With no mother, no father, and no grandparents willing to care for and raise this baby, she was all alone, tiny and sick. The nurses bonded with her immediately, taking their usual turns in rounds, watching over her isolete, watching her vitals, making sure she had the same chance to grow and survive as the other babies there, with loving mothers and fathers who never left their cribside.

The next hurdle to overcome?

Finding her a family.

She had to stay in the hospital for a whole two months after she was born. When she was ready to be released, where were they supposed to release her to? All of the nurses had become so attached to her, yet the ever-present red tape at hospitals forbid any of them to foster her. Penny had so far been through two homes, both of which cared for her and wanted to give her a good foundation with which to grow upon, but they made it clear that anything further than temporary foster just wasn't in the cards for them.

The weeks ticked by, and still no home for Penny. Her rough entry into this world and the health problems that accompanied it were a rough sell to any prospective adoptive parents, even though the social workers had insisted that she had a clean bill of health and was showing little to no signs of a severely premature birth.

The two families that had seemed like a sure thing, ended up passing her over.

The nurses didn't understand why. None of it made sense. NONE! She was healthy, she was happy, she was the sweetest thing ever. Tears were even shed over the situation in frustration. A baby who clearly needs a home can't find one, because parents were afraid of what might happen down the line, health-wise.

Every time a foster family brought Penny back to the hospital for her monthly developmental tests, while it was wonderful to see her, they were immediately heartbroken that she hadn't found her Forever Family.

Today was her sixth-month check up. She'd had to spend the day in the care of the nurses while her foster mother went to work for the day. They were all too happy to oblige. They knew the days of baby Penny coming back to the hospital for 'visits' were going to become less and less, so each time those big browns came through the door, they doted on her and wondered how...how...how in the world, this sweet darling was still floating around in the system.

And that, in a nutshell, is the story of baby Penny.

Zoey looked down to the whisps of brown curls atop the smooth head of the little being snuggled up against her for a cozy nap. She palmed her head and smoothed her hair back over and over and over, using her tippytoes to gently rock her glider chair back and forth. Penny had been swaddled up in a blanket, and once that pacifier was popped into her little mouth, and Zoey held her close, she was out for the count.

She felt something warm stirring in her heart as she rubbed the back of the little miracle that napped in her arms. She stared at her flawless face. She hummed a lullaby.

After all they'd been through. After all they'd faced, all they'd overcome.

Surely it had to be more difficult than this. Surely they'd have to jump through 50 hoops. It was almost the story of their lives. All they ever wanted to do was live a normal life, but it seems like every time they tried to get to that point, something had to get in the way and make them take a crazy detour.

They'd earned where their life was right now. Friendship and marriage, a beautiful home, family and friends, financial stability and a loving, supportive community who let them be themselves outside the gates of their haven.

They'd earned all of it. They'd jumped through the hoops. They'd done the dances. They'd forgone the straight line from A to B and instead hit C, D, E, F, and G just to gain the simple things that 'ordinary' people took for granted everyday.

And yet what they had come to want most, seemed to not only be a challenge, but positively unattainable.

Until now.

Had God just dropped, literally dropped their angel right into her lap?

"She's a good napper right after she's eaten," Marla whispered before getting up to go check on a baby that had begun to fidget.

"She's so precious," Zoey whispered, staring at this little angel's face as she dozed in her arms. "How could such a sweet little baby have had all kinds of knocks already? She's barely six months old."

"Doesn't seem right, does it?" Marla sighed. "You were in the system for a while, weren't you?"

"Yes," Zoey said, hating to even remember that time in her life. The span of years between the loss of her parents and the discovery of Maddie was better left a giant grey void. The positive moments were few and far between. "But I was older. I was a teen."

"That's got to be rougher than being an infant. At least Penny won't remember it, once her family finds her."

"Once her family finds her? I thought everyone who had any legal claim to her gave her up?"

"They did, child. I was meaning it in that...all children waiting to be adopted really do have a family out there, already meant for them. They just need to find each other."

"Wow," Zoey said breathlessly. "I never thought of it that way."

"Well, take a look at yourself."

"Myself?"

"Your family found you, did they not?"

"I'm not following. My parents died..."

"No. Michael and Maddie and Jake. Kyle and now Olive. They're your family. Maybe it wasn't the one you were born with, but it was the one you were destined to have. You just had to find them, and they you. It was bumpy, but it happened. You were found."

Zoey stared down at the little bundle of baby in her arms, letting Marla's wisdom sink in. Penny was still as can be. Zoey cupped her hand over Penny's little head and began stroking her hair once more. Soothed, she sucked rhythmically on her pacifier and let out a relaxed "coo".

"Anyone can have a baby, it takes special people to be mommies and daddies, and sometimes those people might not have been the ones to bring the baby into the world. Penny's family will find her," she said with a knowing smile, giving Zoey a coy look over the top of her rimmed glasses. "I know it."

Maybe, just maybe....they already had.

____________________

Another day, another dollar, another set of meetings with total blowhards who add very little to his life other than headache. Facing the throng of fans and a serious jonesing for food of any kind, Michael's security car headed back towards the hospital, but not before rolling through the nearest KFC drive-in.

"If you take the skin off, its organic," Michael said with complete earnest, earning a crooked sideways glance from Bill.

"No....it's not."

"Yesh it is," he mumbled, diving into the bucket and sinking his teeth into an Extra Crispy leg. "OHMIGODDD. So good. I would like to bathe in the grease they cook the chicken in."

"Nasty."

"My love knows no bounds."

After Michael and Bill were let out in the garage, he against stopped at the vending machine to pick up a diet soda for Zoey. When he went in Maddie's room, he found Jake napping with Kyle on the couch, and Maddie nursing Olive, but no Zoey.

"Where is she?" He whispered, trying not to stare at the baby dangling off Maddie's enormous, milk-engorged breast.

"For God's sakes Michael, it's just a boob," she said, rolling her eyes. "If you can tear your eyes away from the ceiling and quit sweating, you'll find her down in the nursery."

"Thanks," he mumbled sheepishly, dashing out of the room as quickly as possible and trying to ignore the young giggling nurses at the reception station. He'd given them autographs and hugs and photos, but they still hadn't gotten over their glee at seeing him wander around the hallways. It got to where it was kind of annoying, them paying more attention to him than to the woman who'd just had a tiny human taken out of her body.

"He's so hot, I want to pinch his butt," one of them said, as he came up around the other side of the central nurse's station, their back to him.

Michael smirked and slowed his pace, waiting to see if more was to come. They didn't know he was behind them.

"Totally. I love that his hair is long. His wife is so lucky."

"I know. You kind of want to hate her, but she's so nice."

"Sickening."

"Like, totally."

"Totally."

Alright, enough. Time to move in for the kill. Michael nonchalantly breezed past them, acting for all the world he had heard none of their conversation.

"Ladies," he drawled, giving the brim of his black fedora a cowboy-like tip in their direction. The sound of his very distinct voice sent them flying up out of their seats, both their faces turning red as red can be, praying to anyone who would listen that they hadn't been caught by none other than the man with the pinchable butt himself.

"Doing well today, Mr. Jackson?" One of them asked.

Michael seized the opportunity to mess with them a bit. "Like, totally!" He responded as he disappeared down the hallway.

If mortification was given a face, the painter could use those two nurses as his muse.

It probably didn't help that he was wearing his worn, black leather jacket that he sported during the Bad tour. It, in Zoey's words, "dripped of sex". Michael Jackson walking down the hallway in his trademark black fedora, worn black leather jacket, white t-shirt and black pants would likely make even the most strong-willed of admirers resort to carelessly voicing their desires. So really...could you blame them?

Following the overhead signs to the nursery, Michael found himself having to deal with two security stations before he finally was allowed entry into the Land of Baby.

As he rounded the corner and found himself in front of several large-paned glass windows, behind which housed several napping newborns, something caught his eye. A swaying blur of the most familiar shade of crimson, looking as content as content could be.

He saw the sweet profile of her porcelain features, the languid fluttering of her eyelashes as she looked downwards towards the bundle in her arms.

He could see the way her mouth moved, the way her lips wrapped around her words. She was singing. She was singing a lullaby, as her tippy-toes rhymically met the floor and sent her chair rocking backwards over and over again.

His heart swelled for her, watching her in such a natural moment. Watching her care for a little one in her arms. She was so peaceful, so content.

He didn't want this to be a hospital. He wanted this to be home. He wanted this glass window to be the doorway to the nursery in Neverland. He wanted it to be 1 am in the morning, checking up on Zoey and their baby, as he too would be unable to sleep if she had to get up and tend to their little one in the middle of the night. He wanted to be able to hear her voice sing to the baby. She wasn't a great singer by any means, but he knew if it was a lullaby being sung to their miracle, it would be the most beautiful voice he would ever hear.

He watched her delicately thump the baby's back with the hand that was wrapped around the bundle, in rhythm to her rocking. 'thump, thump.....thump, thump.....thump, thump...' He eyes closed, and though her rocking did not stop, she leaned her own head back onto the cushioned backrest of the rocker.

A familiar face caught his eye. Placing her index finger across her mouth in a smiling "shhh", Marla waved him over to the heavy security door and buzzed him in.

"Good to see you, loveface," she said, giving him a hug. Michael's arms wrapped all the way around her. They'd had many a deep talk while he was sitting in vigil over his beloved wife, waiting for her to come back to him.

He quietly shuffled into the room, mindful of not waking up any of the sleeping babies. He came up behind her chair and slowly put his body in her view, he didn't want to startle her.

"Hey," he whispered, squatting down before her and wrapping his large hand around her forearm.

"Hey," she drawled, and it was then, that he noticed...she was glowing. Absolutely glowing. The happiness and content shown through her face as much as he'd seen in a long time. Months, even.

They locked their eyes and had a moment between them. Perhaps deep down, Zoey was speaking to Michael's soul with her own, and vice versa. Though no words had been spoken, he too felt something inside of him change in that moment. When he looked at her, when he looked into her eyes.

"Who is this?" He whispered, his fingers caressing the top of the baby's satin soft head.

"Penny," she replied easily, her mouth curling up into a soft smile. "Her name is Penny."

"Her?"

"Mmm hmm."

"She's so pretty..." he said, staring into the same little face that had taken a hold of Zoey's heart hours earlier. His wasn't far behind, but something about it didn't seem right yet.

Scooching forward with a gentle ease, Zoey rose up out of the chair. Penny remained in deep sleep in her arms.

"Sit," she motioned to Michael. He took off his fedora and leather jacket and lowered himself into the chair, as instructed.

"Zoey? Who's baby is this? Where is her mom?" He asked, having the same feelings of confusion that she had before hearing Penny's very sad story.

Penny gave a squeak as her body was removed from the warmth of Zoey's body. She began to fuss.

"Don't make her cry," Michael said.

"She'll be fine. Trust me," Zoey said, placing the stirring baby in Michael's hold. Penny continued to gurgle and squeak in frustration as Michael got her into a good position in his arms. Uncle to many, he was no stranger to little babies and how to give them the best snuggle possible.

Like Zoey had predicted, as soon as she was in Michael's arms, she dozed right back to sleep, the transition between the two people being seamless. She found warmth and safety in his arms, as much as she'd found with Zoey.

"Zoey, but what about her—"

"Just hold her, Michael," she said calmly. "Just hold her. And feel it..."

And hold her he did. He'd held many a baby in his day, but something about this was different.

He forgot who he was. He forgot his life. He forgot the way he was at times forced to live, having to deal with the scrutiny and pressures of the outside world. He forgot everything. The only thing he knew, in this moment, was how right this sweet baby felt in his arms. Her face was chubby and round, her nose pudgy and sweet, her eyelashes thick and long, even for a baby that probably couldn't be older than six months. Her cheeks had a rosy tint that reminded him of another special lady in his life.

"Wow," was all he could say as he visibly got choked up.

Zoey felt her own set of tears forming behind her eyes, tears of happiness and positive emotion. Not like the ones that had fallen over the past year, generally filled with sadness.

"Mike," she said, crouching down in front of his long legs and placing her hand over his that was spanned across Penny's back.

His eyes flicked up to hers. Something inside of him, somehow, had already known what she was going to say. His heart thumped so loudly in anticipation that he feared he'd wake up the slumbering baby in his arms. The infant he never wanted to let go of. A sweet baby girl.

"Mike...Penny doesn't have a mom. Or a dad. Or anybody else," Zoey whispered. Michael's lip trembled at hearing her status. He looked up and blinked towards the ceiling, then down again to the orphan in his arms. He moistened his lips and leaned his head down, placing a tender kiss upon Penny's forehead.

It broke Zoey's heart in the best, most exciting, most loving way possible. Michael said little girls broke his heart. But Michael holding a little girl was breaking hers.

"No one?" He sniffled, his hand continued to pet her head.

"No. No one. Mike, this little girl is waiting on her family to find her."

Eventually, Zoey would pull over another chair and snuggle up against Michael for the rest of the evening, as together they marveled over the little miracle that was sound asleep in his arms. Anyone passing by wouldn't see Michael and Zoey Jackson holding a baby.

They would see a family.

Over in the corner, holding a pink teddy bear to her chest and swaying along to the lullaby being sung by the young couple, was the nurse who'd been with them to the brink and back again.

The story of baby Penny was a long one, but it looks as though this chapter of her new life was nearing its end.

Brighter days were ahead for her.

For she had been found.

__________________

June 25, 1990

1990? Is that right? Holy cow.

Isn't it funny how things work out?

You go from the high of highs to the low of lows with barely any time in between to process either end of the spectrum you were just thrown into.

I guess in the end, we really do all have a destiny. I didn't use to think so. I used to think that life was only what YOU made of it. If it was great it was because you worked hard at it, and if it sucked, well....obviously you didn't. I guess because I only ever saw my parents work so hard for everything we had, that I naturally just equated happiness with 'earn'. I don't believe in having things given to you, and to this day I still don't.

But what happens when you do everything you think you're supposed to do for the life you feel you deserve to have, and instead it hands you rotten apple after rotten apple.

Is it your fault? Was it something you did? Was it something you didn't do?

I'm sitting here. 28 years old. Reading through old entries of this journal. Each time thinking I had it all figured out. I'm cringing at some of them. Literally cringing. I guess they're not so bad, but knowing what I know now, the idealism of my youth is so darling. *pats my own head*

Even going back to the entry I wrote after the visit to Auschwitz, and declaring that you can't wait on life. You have to go for it, you have to seize the day. Carpe diem! There's only today and tomorrow and the day after that, and if you don't go for what you want, you'll get left behind.

My exact words were: "There's no right time. There's only now. And you've got to do everything you can to make it count."

There's truth to that, and of course I stand by it.

But all the events that have transpired since then have me thinking differently. For now, I suppose. Maybe in two years I'll have another revelation. I fear I might be wishy-washy in that regard.

But for now, I don't know that there's no 'right time'. I don't know that there's 'only now'.

What if what you think is the right time, ends up NOT being the right time?

And therein comes my latest lightbulb.

*ding*

Destiny.

What part does destiny play in our lives. We may think we know what we want, and we may plan every little detail out to make sure it happens, but what role does destiny and/or fate really play?

Think about it.

If my parents hadn't been killed the car crash, I never would have entered the foster system. If I hadn't entered the foster system and moved around before being moved out to California, I never would have met Maddie. And then I never would have felt safe to stay here in California, and then I never would have started my shop, I never would have had a bad day, I never would have taken a walk in the park to blow off steam, and I never would have met Mike.

Meeting Mike was fate. He is my destiny.

I know it sounds a little corny, but I know that the life I'm leading right now is the life I'm meant to have.

And the thing is, is I never would have planned it this way. There would have been no other logical explanation for me coming out to California in any kind of capacity. It took my parents passing away for it to happen. A sh*tty situation sure, but perhaps that was just how the cards fell from the deck that fate held in its hand.

I miss them every moment of every day. So much sometimes I try to not even think about it.

I had given up on destiny for awhile there, but now I know...now I'm positive that it's fate, and fate alone that has a much bigger impact on our being.

Because earlier today, I was painting a room in Neverland the sweetest shade of pale pink you could ever imagine.

We thought we had our life planned, we thought we could control how and when we started a family

But we were proven incredibly, incredibly wrong. Almost mockingly so, as life laughed at us, shook its finger and said "Not so fast now!"

I don't know why things happen the way they do, and I doubt I ever will. But I do know, that I'm here today, doing what I'm doing because our time had come. It wasn't our doing, it wasn't our making, it wasn't our wishing and planning and hoping.

Fate took us to that hospital, fate took us to that nursery. And on the same day, the same exact day, it put a precious baby girl in a crib across the room with a lonely situation and a penchant for playing peek-a-boo with strangers.

Baby Penny.

We brought her home today.

Mike and I brought our daughter home.