Luctus Damnum

Apparition of the Mind

"How are you?" Ms. Smith always starts the day with that question, and I give her the same answer: silence. She leads with more questions, expecting some response, but I don't budge. She closes her notebook with a pen and places it as a bookmark. She heads to her shelf to grab an empty Journal and sits beside me.

She smiles gently "How do you feel about journaling?" she places the journal on the arm of the couch beside me. "It's a great tool for processing emotions; I think it will prove useful." I nod and take the Journal.
I nervously scratch my skin, eager to go home.
"Can I leave?" Ms. Smith takes my hand away from my arm. "Of course." She opens the door and walks me to my car. "See you next week Jericho."

After a couple-minute drive, I arrive home. Mother and Father are waiting outside, they're still fighting. Father never acknowledges Mother anymore, it's as if she doesn't exist. Once they head inside, I follow them and head into my room.

17 March, 2016

I'm new to this, to everything that's been happening these last few months. After Mom's injury, nothing has been the same. It's all my fault. I should have never been behind the wheel. I didn't see the other car coming; the light was red for him, but he kept going. I was taught to always be on the lookout when I'm driving because some people are assholes on the road. Why can't I ever do anything right?! FUCK!

I throw my journal toward the wall. I feel my throat close up, my limbs go numb, and I fall to my knees and curl up into a ball, screaming while snot and spit dribble onto the floor. My father bursts into my room. I hold my breath so I don't make noise, making it even harder for me to breathe. I clutch my chest, I struggle as I try to rise to my feet.

In a moment of desperation, I ran to my brother Jaden's room. However, in a moment of disorientation, I fall onto the floor, my head hitting the doorknob, fainting.

When I wake up, I'm in a hospital bed; my brother is sitting right next to me beside my mother.

Jaden lifts his head and looks at me. "Hey, Chicken, how are you feeling?"
I groan as I rise from the hospital bed. "My head hurts, it feels like I've been punched in the face multiple times"
"That's one way of describing a bad migraine..."
I look around the hospital room "Where's Dad?"
Jaden scoffs, looking away from me. "Still at home. He didn't want to be here."
I look down, disappointed. "Of course, he didn't."
"Jericho, he cares. He-"
"Don't" I interrupt him. "Don't make excuses."

We quickly composed ourselves once the Nurse entered the room, we exchanged greetings as he looked at my file, puzzled about what could have happened to cause me to faint, he asked me a series of questions about what happened before I fainted because I had no signs of heart problems or low blood pressure. After answering his questions, I learned that the reason I fainted was because of the excessive amount of blood pressure during my panic attack, which caused me to faint.

Once we arrive home, Father is sloshed on the couch, bawling his eyes out. When he sees me, he erupts. "You!" He slams the beer can onto the coffee table and stands up. "You're the reason she's gone!" I dig my nails deep into the palm of my hand as he walks towards me "It should have been you!" He abruptly stops as Jaden steps in front of me. "You know Mother's death isn't her fault" I look at Mom, speechless.

"She's Dead?...

A heavy fog of truth envelops me, and chills run throughout my body. Memories of that fateful day flood my mind—each detail of Mother's face etched into my memory, haunting me. How did I not see the signs? Every sound deafens as I stand there, frozen. I look at Dad, puzzling the pieces together. He blames me for everything. Tears flood my eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry", I choke on my tears while I try to speak. "I didn't know... She... Dad, I- I'm so sorry" I get on my knees begging him to forgive me. He peers down at me while Jaden blocks him away from me. Father's shoulder checks Jaden as he walks away, heading into his room.