Back to You

1. An odd night

The sky was awfully silent today, it did not rumble, it did not scare me, I was relieved yet uncomfortable. The roaring of the sky did scare me but it made the voice in my head go silent, the thunder, the lightning made me curl up under my blanket, hoping for it to stop, but it wasn't so bad. 

Today had been different from other days, today I felt like the universe was trying to get in touch with me, hinting at its existence. My heart was alert, it warned me about an upcoming storm, which I wouldn't be able to stand. 

I was anxious, “what is going to happen?” I wondered all day. 

And the sky's silence didn't make me feel any better. 

I hated the monsoon, but I found comfort in it, a comfort no other offered me. I remember that day which made me have such a complicated relationship with rain, it was a nightmare from which I haven't escaped yet. 

I stared at the dark clouds ready to cover the moon, it was going to rain. The moon didn't seem to give in to the clouds and stood his ground, still visible to my eyes, his light shone past the dark clouds. He was as beautiful as always, a little too beautiful today I must say, again making me envious of his beauty. There was something different about the moon today, he looked magical as if some kind of miracle was about to happen. 

After admiring the moon for a while, I made my way to the bed, it's time to sleep. I tossed and turned, my stomach grumbled, I hadn't eaten anything, I couldn't keep food inside, I immediately threw up at the thought of food. I looked up at the ceiling, at the fan, moving in a circular motion just like me. I kept moving in circles and lived my nightmares again and again every day. 

“How do I find my way out of this?” I haven't found the answer to this question yet. 

Suddenly the sky spoke, a loud thunder followed by the lightning which didn't strike much far away from my window, my heart beat synced with the thunder, I felt fear creep in but it was rather comforting, I needed some distraction. I made my way to the window. I opened it letting the rain drops invade my room, I tried to catch the rain in the palm of my hand but failed, the drops trickled down my hand and so did my tears. 

I closed the window and sat on the edge of the bed, I reached for my phone, I opened the gallery and started swiping through the pictures, my fingers slowed down as I saw 15 year old me, the smile, the spark in my eyes, the hope I had for myself, all that was missing in the 19 year old me. Tears escaped through my eyes against my will, I let them flow, I had decided I wouldn't restrict my emotions. A lot of things were missing in me, I had lost a big part of myself, I felt like a whole different person, I didn't know what I had to do to make things right? What did I have to do to fix myself ?

I threw the phone aside feeling frustrated, I let out a long sigh, it was 4 in the morning, I hadn't slept yet. I forced myself to stay awake because I was afraid of falling asleep. It has been 2 years since I started experiencing sleep paralysis, at the beginning it wasn't so often, it did freak me out, but it got worse since it was followed by hallucinations, nightmares and weird sensations. Even though I'm used to it now it still isn't a pleasant feeling, at some point I feel like I'm going crazy or maybe I'm already crazy.

I don't communicate about it with anyone, what would I say to them? I gave up after I witnessed the reaction of my family, they laughed and mocked me, I didn't need any more proof to know what my image was in their eyes. I was a joke, not to be taken seriously, a dumb little girl. I won't blame them, that's the image I created for myself, my emotions and feelings were always a joke and a toy for everyone to play with, I gave them that power so I cannot blame them.

I was drowning into my thoughts, my eyes felt heavy, I resisted but failed to fight the feeling, I fell deep into sleep, it felt like a trance, I was asleep but I had the feeling that I was awake, my mind was awake, but it didn't talk like it usually did, it was quiet, I can't recall when was the last time I felt so peaceful, it almost didn't feel real, perhaps it was a dream, a sweet dream I didn't want to wake up from. 

A cold chilling breeze of air embraced me, I groaned at the sensation, my hands fiddled around to find the blanket, I jolted up feeling annoyed, I struggled to open my eyes, I rubbed them aggressively with my fingers, I saw darkness I doubted myself if I even opened my eyes or not, I tried again, but my vision was confronted by darkness. This must be a dream, I thought to myself and laid back on what I thought was my bed, but it wasn't. I was on the floor, I guess because that's what it felt like, a cold and hard surface. I attempted to rub my eyes again, in hopes that i might wake up but I was accompanied by darkness alone, I couldn't see anything past the dark. “This is new” I thought to myself.

I didn't freak out, I knew I was going to wake up at some point, at least I hoped so, I waited, I don't know for how long, I closed my eyes and opened them hoping I would see some light but no. A slight feeling of panic creeped inside me but I tried to calm it down. 

“It’s alright, don’t panic, you will soon wake up and this will end”

It didn’t. It didn’t end. I should be fighting for breath by now but why do I feel so peaceful? And why is this peaceful feeling so scary?