I'm trying

1.

I am so fucking stupid. I get way too emotional every goddamn time he says something mean to me. And I had to make a new account because my best friend says he doesn't care about my feelings and that he just wants to be happy. And I don't want to disappoint him by being all sad. I don't understand why I keep trying for him, why I've never given up because he's never gonna love me and all he does is make me smile and break my heart further and further. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. He was the only one I could trust. The only one I could tell all my feelings to. He just makes me feel bad all the time and I want to give up but I don't because he's my best friend.  And all my other friends don't really care either, they pretend to care but when I need them they don't know what to do with me and tell me to be happy. I can't be happy. I'll never be. I never was. I am always good for a while, I smile and have fun, but then something happens. And no one knows it. I fall into the water. Deeper and deeper each time. Afraid that one day I wouldn't be able to come back up. And I'm sinking in bad thoughts. With people all around me not knowing what I'm struggling over. And not willing to grab my hand and save me. Maybe they don't care, maybe they don't understand. But I'm drowning as my tears make the sea rise.

What the hell is wrong with me.