Homecoming shenannyganns

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    Homecoming is often touted as being an important highschool experience. Ralph Van Allen would've told you otherwise.

    The Archetype of Apathy, as he is called by his cousin Roland, who was shocked that after he blissfully told his stories of extravagant homecoming experiences, all Ralph said was a laconic, "Who cares?"

     Ralph Van Allen had never wanted to go to homecoming. He said, "People should stay home." He believed that if you didn't have a date, there was no point in going. If you did have a date, there were much better options for dates than homecoming. His outlook stayed consistent until senior year of highschool. In senior year, he bought himself a homecoming ticket. It was a
seemingly spontaneous decision. Due to his ticket purchase, another routine homecoming avoider purchased herself a ticket.

     When Ralph arrived at his senior homecoming, all but one did not care. Along with being apathetic and laconic, he is also very reticent and spends most of his time alone. As such, he had virtually no friends. Occasionally one or two people would try to dissuade him from acting the way he did, but they were never successful. The Van Allens were not docile people.

     Ralph's goal at this homecoming was to "go out with a bang." While he may have seemed to be, he was not pedestrian. He had dreams of an epicurean future for himself, with luxury cars, grand feasts, and beautiful women. In fact, one of the main reasons he acted so elusive was to play hard to get, which he believed helped him draw the attention of many females. He was not correct.

      When Ralph approached one of the many women who appeared in his dreams, Petra Asline, asking her for a dance, he learned she had a girlfriend. This realization led him to the punchbowl, whose punch he would scoop for himself 3 cups. The redolence of the punch reminded him of simpler times in his youth, where he would drink Hawaiian Punch and watch The Addams Family with his step-father.

     He realized after drinking that he had royally screwed up his chances of having a significant homecoming in the eyes of others. No one cared about him at school. No one found him important enough. So, Ralph decided to give up on his original plan.

     Instead, he wanted to make this homecoming significant for himself. He sat in a chair, and observed the event. He watched people dance, talk, drink, and do all of the other things people at homecoming do. While many would find this boring, Ralph loved the simple pleasures of observing the world around him. He acted like a sponge, silently absorbing the conversations he heard into his mind. Jessica was mad at Amber because she blew a kiss at John. Amber was mad at Jessica because Jessica and John broke up 3 days ago, yet she still expressed ownership over him. Christopher was going to Maine in three weeks to see his cousins. Marshall learned from Calliope that he impregnated her. All of this information was learned in only three minutes.

     Ralph kept up with this activity until someone tapped on his left shoulder. He looked over, and saw a girl with green dyed hair and large buck teeth. Her name was Angelica, and she was asking him for a dance. Ralph was taken aback, but after his shock faded he accepted, not wanting to waste this opportunity. He also found the girl quite pretty.

     Neither of them knew how to dance. It was awkward, and some people were staring, but that didn't matter. Ralph was having a blast. Dancing was much more fun than sitting in a chair watching others have a blast. Angelica was also having a blast. Her Fortitude had paid off, and she was now dancing with her crush of three years. She had always wanted to approach him, but his reticence intimidated her. She was not intimidated anymore.

     With her newfound confidence, she told him how attractive he was, and how he had enthralled her for years. Ralph blushed, not used to recieving compliments. He felt the need to compliment her back, but he had also just met her, not giving her much thought previously. Now, it was as if she was the only thing in the world. To express this, he gave her the only compliment he could think of. 

     He said, "Your teeth are big."

     She said, "Thanks."

     Ralph Van Allen and Angelica Smith were married 7 years later. They called that homecoming the most significant event of their lives.