I nihilistically masturbate all the time. It makes me think of when I had sex with J--- on Mother's Day. We were doing it in the bathroom in their mom's house, which was totally empty (they were moving stuff out of there at the time). I couldn't look at myself in the mirror as it was happening. As I was doing it. We stopped because I was going too hard.
-
This one was written a few days later.
-
Feel like shit. Complete shit. Went to the library after I managed to get out of bed at 2:30 p.m. today. Everyone was surprised to see me. I guess me staying over at Julian's was a big deal. They asked me how I was doing, I said I was fine. I don't know why I would say anything else. I look disheveled. I think they can tell I'm not doing too hot. I have this ugly beard I refuse to shave off as a sort of testament to me not giving up. My hair is a greasy, thinning mop. I have worn the same clothes for a week now. I didn't know how to tell everyone that I fucking hate my apartment so much. I used to really enjoy it. Now, it feels horrible. I hate being alone in it. I hate how dark it gets. I went to Julian's because at least it's different, and there's a futon I can sleep on, and Blaze is always home because Blaze is unemployed. It's not just that the world can be so banal that I don't care about it, it's almost like everything has turned rotten. Things I used to love I know despise. This is bleeding into people. Something about Ewan I feel like I can absolutely not be around. Same goes for Julian or Kaiden. I miss them, but I'm afraid of them. I'm so afraid of them, sometimes I try to hate them. I hate them because I keep telling myself they hate me, and that hurts so bad I can only take it by being angry at them. Especially Ewan, who I love like a brother. I don't want to hurt him or anyone. I just need to be alone for a while. I also need them more than ever.
Jack has been very nice to me. Blake has been very nice. Madison has been very nice. Rindra, Jules, my mom. I feel "safe" around those people.
I feel this overwhelming, embarrassing desire for tenderness. I want someone to be sweet to me in the ways they normally only are to children. But I don't want to be infantilized. I just want someone to honestly tell me to my face that it's going to be okay, followed by a hug.
Four years down the fucking drain.
I feel debilitating, lacerating shame. It's like I'm being burned alive by stomach acid. I hate myself so much. I feel like I'm dying, like this whole thing is my body slowly giving out. Slowly but surely, until I finally collapse somewhere. Maybe in my God-forsaken bedroom.
I keep thinking about dropping out, taking a semester off, or something more stupid than either of those things. I had a dream last night (I have been having incredibly vivid, anxious dreams) where the one professor I feel like I'm in terrible standing with told me not to drop out, and to keep going.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I feel like a complete failure. I feel like a failure around my peers. I do not know how to confront people I love about how I am. I also feel like I'm faking this whole thing. Like, this is me being a self-destructive baby. I see kids I grew up with in my old neighborhood graduate with degrees in immunology and get married and have kids. I'm 22. We're all fucking 22. What am I doing?
I don't feel smart enough for anything. I have dwindling interest in music, or philosophy, or science, or writing, or pedagogy, or anthropology, or film, or photography, or reportage, or whatever. I don't know where to sink time in after this. I feel like I'm wildly burning out. I don't feel functional enough to be a teacher. Student teaching seems impractical in this condition. I can barely get assignments in on time or make my bed.
Kaiden apparently said I wouldn't be depressed if I got a girlfriend, started going to the gym, and ate cleaner. This was in a conversation he had with Natalie and Ewan. They said I needed to go on Wellbutrin. Kaiden also said he wasn't surprised that "a guy like me" was depressed because I have "no habitual agency." Jack said not to take him seriously because he's like barely not an incel or something. I don't think Kaiden is all that wrong. But the whole thing made me completely give up the night Ewan told me about it all. It made me not want to see anyone, even though everyone messaged me stuff along the lines of "get well soon." They all care about me. They literally spent a whole night talking about how much they were worried about me because I wasn't there.
I have never admitted this for obvious reasons, but sometimes I think about doing it. You know exactly what I'm talking about. It never feels bad enough to go the extra mile, but I think about it. I usually think about Ewan, who I have been actively avoiding. That's another story. I would fuck him out of the lease to our apartment if I died. I would ruin his Christmas. I'd fuck him up worse than he already is. My parents would never forgive themselves. Everyone would miss me. I have to keep going. I have to keep going. Even if everything falls apart. I have to keep going. I have to keep going. I have to keep going. Even if everything falls apart. I have to keep going. I have to keep going.
Can I bounce back from this? Can I live a more functional life?
Posts From Last Year I Didn't Publish
Start from the beginning
