THE END • OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT •

• 8 •

According to Dr. Ted Farnsworth, if your best friend dies, you can talk to her afterward.
  She can call you. You can call her. On special occasions she can come down and hang out with you. And if you're really in tune l, she can move into your closet.
  Kim circled all the dates she was going to appear after she died.
  "I'll do your birthday and my birthday," she said, the pen in her teeth, "Both at Red Rock?"
  Kim's favorite place in the whole world was Red Rick Canyon. Mine sort of was too. I wasn't sure.
  We'd gone hiking there with her mom, Trish, and my dad had taken us a couple times, and sometimes Kim would talk about if she got old enough, she'd move out there.
  "You'd want to live there?"
  "Wouldn't you want to? Like camp every night under the stars?"
  I though about it for a second. "I guess?"
  I wasn't much a camper. I hate bugs.
  "We'll both move out there,"she said.
  "Okay."
  So for both our birthdays after she died, we were going to meet in the canyon.
There were some other dates. Her mom's birthday, my mom's birthday. And she kept reminding me, "Don't forget the most important one, don't forget the most important date is the anniversary of the day I die."
"You're not going to die."
"I'm going to die, Emmy."
"You're not."

The she died.

***

So on my birthday, fifty-three days after Kim, after her heart stopped, the first important date, I got everything Kim and I had agreed on.
  I got the cupcakes.
  I got the Fresca.
  I got Ladyhawke loaded up on my laptop.
  I got three boxes of candy: Snickers, Skittles, and M&M's.
  I got her favorite book, The House on Mango Street.
  And I put in my white cargo pants and a white T-shirt. Dr Ted Farnsworth advocated light colors for dead people talking.
  Mom said, "Don't you want to do something special for your birthday?"
  She stood in the kitchen, watching me as I packed the soda in my backpack.
She'd made Joe go get me doughnuts for breakfast, but now he was at basketball practice and Dad was out golfing.
  But Mom.
  Mom was waiting for me.
  "I have somewhere to go," I told her.
  "All day?"
  "All day," I said.
  She gripped the counter. "Where? Where do you have to go all day long?"
  She was trying to be patient with me. Her therapist told her to be patient with me. I heard her tell Dad that, and Dad said, "I think that'd be a good idea, Linda."
  And it was a goo idea.
  I tucked my hair behind my ear and tried to look normal. Like I was her normal daughter on a normal day that was my birthday.
  "I'm going to the mall with Gabby," I said.
  "Gabby," she said.
  "Gabby," I said.
  She stared at me.
  Then she said it again, " You're going to the mall with Gabby."
  It was a bad lie. Mom knew and I knew, that except for the week after Kim died, I hadn't spoken to Gabby for over a month. She also knew that I'd been sitting in my closet every Friday night, and one time I made a doll out of an old sweater. She thought this was disturbing and discussed it at length with my father who told her she was being irrational. I heard them talking through the vent in my closet. It's actually a really good place to hear things.
Mom was quiet.
"Yeah. She wants to buy me some earrings," I said, which was stupid because I don't wear earrings.
  I grabbed a no of crackers. I didn't know how long this was going to take and I liked to be prepared.
  "Why do you need all the food?"she asked.
  I swallowed. "Uh, because we're going to have a picnic afterward."
  "A picnic?"
  "Yep."
  And I smiled.
  "Well," she finally said, "okay."
  "Okay?"
  "Okay."
  I owned the fridge and got out some apples.
  "You could invite her to go to dinner with us."
  "Who?"
  "Gabby," she said. "To the Cheesecake Factory."
  Dinner. Invite Gabby to dinner.
  "I'll see," I said. "But I think she wants take me out for pizza later."
  It sounded so dumb as it came out of my mouth. I was the worst at this.
  Then she said, "You don't want to go to dinner?"
  Every year we went to the Cheesecake Factory on my birthday. Every single year. This would be the first time we'd be there without Kim.
  "No," I said. "It's okay."
  Mom stared at me."Are you sure, Emmy?"
  I smiled big and this is what happens when someone know the other person is lying her face off, and the person lying her face off know the person knows she's lying her face off, but she keeps lying as hard and as fast as she can because she also knows that the person won't stop her.
  Mom wasn't going to stop me.
  This was her patient. She was going to let me do whatever I wanted on my birthday, and she knew it had nothing to do with my old friendship
  For the first time since Kim died, I felt love for my mother in her jeggings.
  "We might go anyway when you get back," she said, "just for dessert."
  I said,"Okay," and she handed me dirty dollars. "Have fun."
  "I will," I said.
  I walked out the door and got on the bus that stopped near Red Rock Canyon Road.

***

The sun was out bright already.
  As the bus got closer to the stop, I started to feel nervous.
  We'd talked about it so much.
  "Do you think I'll be wearing white?" Kim had said.
  "I don't know."
  She pulled out some grass and started sucking on it. "What if I'm naked?"
  "Sick."
  "What? It's only natural. That's how we were born."
  "Yeah, but you aren't going to appear naked."
  She stacked the grass into a pile. "What if all dead people are naked walking around heaven?"
  "Ew," I said because I don't like make people. I once saw my brother in the bathroom and I can't talk about it."
  I hit her.
  "No, really," she said. "Think about my uncle Sid."
  Kim's uncle Si died when we were eight, and I did not want to imagine him like that.

***

Now it was my birthday and she was dead and maybe she would show up naked.
  I got off the bus and walk up the highway.
  It was a long, long walk, and sometimes Kim and I would bring our bikes  on the bus and ride a bike with all the stuff in my backpack.
  So I walked.
  A falcon flew overhead. Maybe the was Kim, I thought for a second, but then the falcon disagreed behind a hill. And it was really just a magpie.
  After an hour, I got to the trailhead and stopped. Tired to breathe. I was out of shape.
  I took a water out of my Packard drank the whole thing. Then I hiked to the rock we'd picked. A flat rock with ruts beat down by the rain.
  One Saturday wed come out to close the place.
  "This will be where I appear again," Kim had said, her arms outstretched, her black hair blowing in the wind. I'd held my breath as she stood there, and then she looked at me and started laughing.

***

Now I was here alone.
  Waiting for her.
  I took a breath. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
  I pulled out the quilt with the blue buffalo on it. I set out all the food.
  Then I sat down.
  The sun was hot and I should have bought a hat.
  People walked by.
  A guy with a bread asked me what time it was.
  I ate a Snickers bar. Two Snickers bars.
  Then ten.
  Some crackers.
  Two apples.
  I say there from nine in the morning until eight at night.
  Alone.