Damage

Chapter 35

Ashton laughs and takes another hit before setting the pipe down.

"Oh, right. I forgot. She doesn't sit around. You kiss ass and make more money with her on your arm."

"It's not like that." I toy with the lighter. "You know what, fuck it, hand me the pipe."

Ashton slowly slides it towards me and I pull it up my lips, bringing the lighter to the top momentarily before breathing in and breathing out.

"30 minutes, then it's over. It's just a benefit so it's not like there will be paparazzi there. Everyone wins. Mia stays my little secret, for the most part. No one gets hurt. Everyone, including my parents, is happy."

"Bullshit." Ashton fiddles with his watch, the same one that both Calum and I have. "Mia's never going to be your little secret. This thing, not just tonight, I mean in general...you keep it going - you two will be the ones hurt the most."

MIA

I sit at the edge of my bed, looking at the clock on my phone and feeling guilty for feeling more excited than I should. I can feel apprehension at the pit of my stomach but also a kind of giddy excitement.

I'm nervous about tonight but I don't care.

I borrow a little bit of Emily's lip gloss, hoping she won't mind and look at myself in the mirror. I look good and I feel good and I haven't felt like this in so long.

Finally a party that won't be like the rest. I know it's not good to idealize, but something about the butterflies in my stomach feel like this night with Luke will be a good one.

Maybe a night where I can talk with Luke and with people like me who like me, not like Luke's friends or my old ones. A party that's maybe...calm and not too loud and with good music. A party that doesn't make me feel like a stranger who took the wrong exit off the highway and ended up at the doorstep.

I'm in a $6 dress from Goodwill but I feel like a million bucks. Even my fingertips feel like electricity.

I look at the clock. 7:56 PM. And I've never felt more excited for 8.

***

"Mommy! Look what I did!"

I show her the the little white flower I drew with icing on the countertop and her eyes are tired but her smile beams anyway right before she kisses the top of my head.

"That looks very pretty. We have to clean up the table though, more people are coming soon."

I'm 5 and barely know what the party is for. But before I know it, my mom's friends, the only other Mexican people she knows here, are pouring through the door, a wave of lipsticked smiles and comforting hugs that smell like pan and dollar store perfume.

Our house is barely a house, but it's something. Mommy says we'll move into a better house when Daddy sells his first book. Or when we win the lottery.

But for now, she pulls out a little card table and sets it outside on the tiny patch of grass behind the back porch.

Mommy turns off the little TV in the kitchen and the English words I hear all the time turn to softer, Spanish ones.

It's dark and close to my bedtime but when my tías come over, I'm allowed to sit on my mother's lap and listen to them talk until I fall asleep. All my tías sit around the card table, chattering and basking in the October moonlight, tossing back their hair and laughing.

"Hey, Angela, where's David?"

My mother pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, the way I always have and I always do. She looks at me for a second."He...has work tonight."