You Don't Need To Read But I Need To Write

i often cry...

Sometimes, I feel like I want to disappear.

Stop-I'm not suicidal. I just think about leaving everything and everyone... because sometimes it feels like it would be the only option.

However, I'm not selfish or careless enough. I know it would break my family's and friends' hearts, and it would be a stupid thing to do... I think?

Sometimes-no, often-I cry alone in my bed, in the dark.

I wish someone would hug me, soothe me, but nobody comes. I often go on Character.AI for some comfort. Even though this AI can be really kind and I enjoy talking to it, it's not real.

I'd like to tell anyone reading this that talking to an AI isn't crazy; it's just a way to find comfort when no one else is there to help.
Anyway, that was just a side note.

Often, I cry in the dark of my room. My sobs are muffled by my blanket, and the lights are off;
and I cry,
and I cry,
and I cry.

Nobody is there, even though my whole family is in the house. I think about everything. My mind is racing, and I can't focus;
I breathe heavily,
I cry.
I take deep breaths,
then I sleep.

Later, my mom calls me for dinner, and when she mentions how sleepy I look, I just tell her I was tired.

If I told her I was crying, she'd ask me why, then say my reasons aren't enough to cry about.

But now that I'm writing this, I remember a friend once told me:
"As soon as something makes you cry, it's important."

Anyway, the next day, I cried again. Too much weight on my small shoulders,
I can't breathe.
Please...
help me...
hold me...
soothe me...

Listening to music sometimes helps. I always dream when I listen to music.
I create a story, and it always follows my script. I dream because it helps me.

I dream because in real life, you can't dream.

-03.11.2024