Who I Am Hates Who I've Been (Mad Hatter x Reader)

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

And so I did. We kept exchanging letters in which I keep reading in between the lines his feelings for me that do not exist. I continued on working and being alone but I always refer to his letters to have any company. His last letter sent me on a high, saying that he's leaving earlier then he should. A smile on my face never left and all I could think of was Jervis.

Now here I am, waiting outside of the Arkham gates for him to leave. Nervous yet excited. My hands deep in my coat pockets layered in sweat. In the distance I see two men walking, one shorter than the other. When they arrive at the open gates, the other man in a security uniform turns and leaves. Jervis wearing a light blue sweater vest on top of a white dress shirt with a small red bowtie. His dark blue trousers are accompanied with his dirty brown shoes. I smile at the fact that he's right in front of me. I walk steadily towards him then jog until I'm in his arms. "I've missed you. It's been too long." I said.

"It has Y/N." He said softly, arms right around me.

I pulled away from him and looked into his light, friendly, blue eyes. "Well, what do you want to do as your first day as a free man?"

"Right now, I just want to walk. I need the air."

"Alright, anywhere in particular?"

"No, we'll go wherever are feet take us." Jervis then smiled at me which caused my heart to warm. I smiled back and draped my arm around his, taking steps away from the asylum.

As we walked in the chilly November air, some people stared at us while others pay no mind. We then felt hunger strike within ourselves and stopped by a cart that served hotdogs near the park. We took a seat at a nearby bench and watched others walk their dogs, play catch with their children, and other activities. It was strange to feel this happy in Gotham.

I swung my feet back and forth since they can't reach the ground and broke the silence by asking Jervis a question "Why didn't you want me to visit you in Arkham?" I looked at my hotdog as I took a bite.

Jervis turned and looked at me with a look of un-expectancy. He swallowed the bit that was in his mouth and waited a few moments until he responded "Well, like I said in my letters, I didn't want you to see me as another mentally unstable person in their. I didn't want you to see me in my lowest point, and I especially didn't want to see the disappointment in your eyes." It went quiet as he looked down, his blonde hair covering his pale face. There was no emotion on my face when he shyly looked at me. All I thought was how bad I felt for him.

"Did you also not want me to come because of how dangerous it is in their?"

Jervis chuckled at this, his large teeth showing and said "Most definitely as to why I didn't want you to come. Far too dangerous for me to let you visit, didn't want you to get hurt." The sun setted ever so slowly, it's rays hitting us.

"I found out my problem. Everytime reality has pounded me into the ground, it makes me think how much I long to leave this place, and that's when I lose my marbles. I do terrible things and hurt so many people..." he sighs placing his head in his palms. "like that Alice girl and her...fiance." Jervis then looks at me with such a sad look "I really am sorry for all the things I've done and the terrible things I put people through." Jervis then rubs his eyes with his hands. "Oh, how I hate myself for it."

"Well you're out and your better.You aren't the same person when you woke up this morning and you've changed several times throughout your stay in Arkham so their seems to be no use into dwelling on such things." Jervis then looked at me, tears at the rim in his eyes, he went silent for a moment causing me to think I had said something wrong and then a sudden look of realization struck his face.