I guess it started out in all the wrong ways. I suppose, that's okay because all I can do is hope for a better ending and not have to think about my worst beginning. I wish I could give you all a time frame of when I would next update this, but I cant. Because the truth is, I'm not sure where this is going to go. "Beyond Cataclysmic."
That's pretty fitting, I'm sure you'll agree too.
I'm not sure whether I'm angry or sad. Maybe a little of both, maybe a hint of regret, because nothing could hit me more like a ton of bricks than living with every single day of my life. Sure, people think that I've gotten better, maybe I'm doing a good job fooling them. In reality though, I'm not sure that there's a day that I don't ache. It's beautiful agony.
I claim to be strong, and that nothing can break me...But then I stop and think. "Oh, wait, everything breaks me... Everything."
So maybe this is a last resort. Maybe I got tired of finding small little things to do to occupy my decrepit thoughts. Maybe writing this will let me sleep at night, probably not, but its worth a try. Maybe no one will even read this, and that's okay, because for once I'm letting it all out. I'm not waiting for a burst from my insides to let red rivers to spill down my arms. So, I'm considering you my audience. Even if its just one person who reads.
I almost feel bad for sharing. I feel like I'm giving you a little part of my life, and that's terrible of me, but I don't regret it.
Lets start with right now. My fingers are dangerously hitting away at the keyboard. Almost as if I'm forcing the words to be here. This is the most healthiest form of 'therapy' I've ever tried. But at least I'm trying. Trying.... I try a lot of things. Like right now, I 'Try' not to look in the mirror because I'm not to happy about what I see. I 'Try' not to get close to anyone, because trust is dangerous. See, I try.
Nonetheless I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being every little thing that I'm not. I can't keep holding in every single emotion that causes me pain, or anger or frustration. So, I'm breaking free. I'm going to rip my own heart apart with these words, and that's okay. So I hope you're ready for a show, because it'll be a good one, for you anyways.
