Road to War Part III: I Would For You

And This Will Happen All Again

The trip to Steve's place doesn't take nearly long enough for him to put all of his thoughts in order. He'll just have to wing it, he supposes as Natalia knocks. She looks at him reassuringly, and he's grateful that she held his hand the whole way. It helped him feel a little grounded.

Steve looks tired when he opens the door, but he smiles at them faintly. "Hey."

"Hey, yourself," Natalia answers, calm as usual. "Can we come in?"

"Sure," Steve replies. A look of apprehension crosses his face as he steps back to let them come inside.

He's been to Steve's place a few times, though Steve mostly comes to his. The door opens onto a short hallway, with the kitchen to the right and the living and dining area further to the right. Bedrooms and bathroom are to the left. Steve moves far enough back so that they can walk past him and into the living room. As he expected, Natalia leads the way. When she reaches the living room, she stands back and motions for him to sit. Puzzled, he does so, watching Steve enter slowly.

"Nat, what's going –" Steve begins.

She cuts him off with a smile. "You two need to talk. I'll give you some space. James, let me know when you're ready to go," she tells him, then disappears into the other half of Steve's apartment. The front door doesn't make a sound, so he supposes she hasn't actually left, but feels uncomfortable at her absence nonetheless.

Steve drops onto the other couch, facing him, looking expectant. "What is it, Buck?" he asks gently.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he murmurs, immediately thinking there were better questions available.

"Tell you what?"

"About, you know, SHIELD."

Steve looks at him for a long moment, frowning a little in thought. "We didn't think it would be good for you to know, when you came in," he explains quietly.

"And when were you planning on letting me know?"

Shrugging, Steve looks away. "I don't know. There never seemed to be the right time. And I've been hoping it would be resolved before I had to explain it," he adds.

"Well, explain it now," he insists.

The urgency in his tone causes Steve to meet his eye again. "What do you know?"

Somewhat annoyed at the redirection, he focuses his attention on the floor while he relates what Natalia told him. "You took down SHIELD, and then went to find me. You went back in to help the Avengers when they needed it with Ultron. But something happened after, and you're not on the same page anymore."

Steve smiles grimly. "Nat told you."

"Yes. You wouldn't."

"I couldn't, Buck. We knew you wouldn't understand."

A flash of anger runs through him, and he glares at Steve. "I wouldn't understand that all this happened because of me?" he growls.

"Not all of it," Steve insists.

"Would you have clashed so much if it weren't for me?"

Steve bites his lip, considering how truthful to be. Unsurprisingly, he is completely honest when he answers. "We were always clashing, Buck, but recent events, including your appearance, definitely drove us further apart. But it's not your fault."

"People keep saying that," he mutters bitterly.

"It's not, Buck. You were just... Just being used."

He runs his fingers through his hair, then stares at his hands. "I know. But it was still my hands, my finger on the trigger. Does anyone know about me, Steve? Besides those I've met on missions?"

The troubled look on Steve's face is difficult to witness. "A few people," he answers.

"Who?"

"The other Avengers. Sharon. Maria Hill. No one else."

He looks hard at Steve. "Who's running SHIELD? Hill?"

Shaking his head, Steve avoids his gaze. "No."

"Who?"

"Stark."

A grim smile twists his features. "So this is because of what I did in the nineties?"

Steve frowns. "What do you mean?"

"I caused the car accident that killed his parents, I think. I'm not entirely sure, but I remember Howard," he explains with a detached calm.

The expression on Steve's face is harder to bear than before. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He flinches, staring intently at the floor again. "What good would that do?"

Steve sighs heavily. "I can't help you if you keep things from me."

A bitter laugh escapes him. "That's what I came here to say."

It's rare to see such a grim smile on Steve's face, but it is somehow familiar. "We always did think the same," he observes. "Fine, you're right. I should have told you when I started taking you on missions with me. I just... You were making such good progress and I didn't want to risk upsetting you."

"Upsetting me?" he repeats incredulously.

"Well, you know, affecting your world view. You were adjusting so well, I figured news like that would throw you off," Steve asserts.

He nods tiredly. "What about Sharon?"

If possible, Steve looks even more upset and uncomfortable. "She works for SHIELD," he answers emotionlessly.

His jaw clenches. "So she didn't take your side."

"Well, she's trying. She wants us to all be on the same side."

Thinking of Natalia, he snorts. "You're Captain America. How can that not be the right side?"

Steve laughs shortly. "I'm not always right, you know."

"Are you sure? Because I've never known you to be ... conflicted about doing what you think is right. So I just assumed you always knew what that was."

"You always put too much faith in me," Steve mumbles.

"Never too much," he insists. Steve gives him that look, that uncomfortable but grateful look and he smiles a little sadly at his oldest friend. "Steve, what would they do if they found me?"

A dark look passes over Steve's face. "I don't know, Buck. Take you to trial, send you to jail. They don't understand."

He sighs. "Maybe they don't need to. If turning myself in is what will put a stop to all of this, I'll do it."

"But, Bucky," Steve pleads.

"I shouldn't get off scot-free just because of whom I know," he replies.

Steve looks away. "I don't think it will help, Buck."

He sits back, considering Steve's expression. "You know, this is the kind of thing I was thinking we could have avoided if you weren't Captain America."

Another short laugh escapes Steve, and he shakes his head slowly. "Well, that's true."

"You didn't realize you'd be a symbol to the nation for life, did you?"

Steve smiles. "No, I didn't, but that ship sailed a long time ago. Sometimes I wonder what might have happened if I hadn't, if we'd both survived the war as regular soldiers and come home after. We probably would have lived pleasant, if boring, lives and be dead by now."

"Well, when you put it that way..."