Road to War Part III: I Would For You

So Long I Can't Remember When

"Come on, Bucky, Sam's waiting downstairs," Steve says, leaning against the frame of the front door to the apartment.

He sighs heavily, pulling on his shoes. Not boots. "I don't think I can do this," he mutters, fixing his gloves carefully to conceal his arm.

Steve smiles reassuringly. "Don't worry, Buck. If you can't, we'll get you out of there quickly."

Considering whether or not he should sigh again, he just shakes his head and gets to his feet. Steve steps back into the hallway to give him room to lock the door behind them, then leads the way out of the building. He follows silently, trying with difficulty to keep from pulling at his gloves nervously. He supposes he should be pleased to be able to wear civilian clothes, instead of combat gear. Appreciate the little things, he reminds himself. He's at least comfortable.

Sam is waiting in the car, glancing at them briefly as they approach. "Hey, Buck," he says kindly when he climbs in the back seat, Steve in the front.

"Sam," he replies, settling himself somewhat awkwardly. "This your car?"

"Yeah, brand new. Something happened to my other one. I can't remember what," Sam jokes, grinning at him in the rear view mirror.

Steve laughs shortly. "It was pretty hard to drive, you know, not very responsive."

His confusion must show because Sam's expression sobers. "We were in my car when we, uh, when we met on the highway."

Biting his lip, he nods and looks out the window. "Sorry about that," he murmurs.

"Don't sweat it, man. Wasn't you."

He resists the urge to deny it, and they lapse into an uncomfortable silence. Steve glances back at him, then looks at Sam. "Well," he says abruptly, drawing their attention to him. "We are going to need to blend in. We're just trying to tail these guys, not engage them, so follow my lead."

"Your lead?" he asks, politely incredulous.

Sam grins at him. "I was going to say, man... The only reason you survived being on the run before was because Nat knows how to be undercover. I'm pretty sure Captain America doesn't do a whole lot of that." He glances back for confirmation.

"Yeah, that was always my job during the war," he agrees.

Steve sighs heavily. "I've gotten a lot better, Buck. And I paid attention to Nat's advice, so I think I'll be fine."

Sam shakes his head slowly. "I don't doubt your abilities, Steve. I'm just saying I'm going to copy Bucky instead."

"Fine, that's why we brought him along anyway."

He licks his lips, the brief look passing between the two of them not going unnoticed. "Was that the only reason?" he asks.

The awkwardness Steve feels is immediately obvious in his body language. "Well, no. Nat suggested we take you. And I figured, after last time..." He trails off, a worried look on his face.

Everyone's always trying to take care of him, he thinks, wondering if he'll ever be able to repay all of this. "It's fine. I'm sure it'll be a good experience," he says casually.

Sam can see through him, watching him through the side mirror, but Steve allows himself to be reassured. "Great. So, anyway, we will have to sneak in..."

Somehow, this mission doesn't go according to plan, either. There are far more enemy agents than were expected. It's nothing the three of them can't handle, and he contemplates whether he prefers doing this with Steve and Sam or with Natalia and Barton. It's impossible to decide; the experiences are too different. But following Steve always makes him feel like he's on familiar ground, and that is certainly a pleasant sensation. Even if it is when he's having to kill people.

He ducks back behind the wall to reload while Steve covers him. "I'd have thought SHIELD would have better intel," he says conversationally.

Sam and Steve exchange a look. "What do you mean?" Steve asks.

"Well, you know, this sort of situation is not one I'm used to wandering into without warning," he explains, confused by their reaction. He pulls a grenade out of his belt and tosses it toward the enemy. After it goes off, they quickly move forward before taking cover behind some crates as shots ring out from somewhere ahead of them.

"Nick Fury sent us here," Steve answers quietly as they reload their weapons.

"Not SHIELD?" he guesses.

Sam nods grimly. "SHIELD isn't... We don't work for them anymore," Steve continues, glancing sharply at Sam.

"I see," he mutters before getting to his feet and taking down their assailants with a few well-aimed shots. "Let's go."

Conversation is delayed until they've progressed closer to the outside of the building. Then it is focused more on tactically advantageous positions, rather than what brought them there. But he can't help but feel surprised by the fact that no one has mentioned this to him before now. It does explain a lot, though.

"Fury isn't in charge of SHIELD? Who is, then?" he asks as the dust clears and they find themselves without any more opponents.

At a signal from Steve, Sam goes to ensure there aren't any traps between them and their vehicle. "Don't worry about it, Buck," Steve insists as they hang back to cover him.

He lets the conversation drop, seeing Steve's expression.

"You know, sometimes I wish you'd never met Dr. Erskine," he says quietly as he sinks into the chair across from Steve in his own kitchen. Sam dropped them both off after the mission.

Steve glances up sharply. "What makes you say that?"

He shrugs. "Life was a lot simpler before."

Frowning deeply, Steve assesses him. Trying to read his expression. "If it weren't for Dr. Erskine, I would never have managed to leave Brooklyn."

A small smile graces his lips at the unspoken statement. "I realize it would mean you would have never rescued me from the factory," he reassures Steve. "For which I'm very grateful. But who knows what might have happened."

"Bucky... They were torturing you," Steve says painfully.

He shakes his head. "That's not what I meant."

"Then what is?"

Taking a deep breath, he looks away, out the window. "I know you hated being left behind. But you might have had a normal life, gotten married, had some kids. Not been frozen for decades, see your lady friend as an old woman, rescue your best friend from a horrible fate." He shrugs, focusing on Steve again. "I'm just thinking you might have been happy."

"You don't think I'm happy now?"

Steve's face is concerned, but in an almost expressionless way. "No, I don't," he answers earnestly. "I don't know what you're not telling me, but I can see that you're upset. More than I've ever seen you. You can tell me, Steve," he says gently, leaning forward to look at his friend.

Steve shakes his head slowly. "You did great on the mission today. Sam says you've been making great progress since... After everything. But you're not ready yet. I'll tell you when you are."

His frown deepens, and he purses his lips. "Steve, I can take whatever you have to tell me."

Standing, Steve pats his shoulder before heading toward the door. "I'm sure you can, Buck. So maybe it's on me."

He watches silently as Steve leaves the apartment, locking the door behind him. And wonders what he's stumbled onto.

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