Scars to Bear

Scars ~ Chapter Thirty Seven ~

"It's all gone," she says coolly. "We need more."

"For fuck's sake," I snap. "That's all it ever is here. Money, money, money."

"You spend it on your phet. Why can't I buy some things myself?"

"Because I earn it," I spit back.

"You really do talk to her like shit," Tara butts in.

I turn to glare at her. Fury rises inside me and I feel ready explode. The desperate need to cut my flesh and let out all that pressure inside grows and reaches fever pitch.

"She deserves better than you," Tara spits out.

"I don't think it's any of your fucking business." I turn to Joanne. "Your wonderful friend, by the way, decided to complain about the noise again."

I pull the letter from my back pocket and thrust it towards Joanne while smiling at Tara. She doesn't say anything now. She doesn't even defend it, and that is all the proof I need to confirm that it was her. "We should go shopping," I say to Joanne. "Before we have to collect Will." And before I explode on the two-faced shit next to you.

Joanne doesn't say anything to Tara. She reads the letter and then folds it and gives it back to me. She lets me take her hand as we walk away. "I'm sorry," I whisper in her hair, pressing her against my side. "It's not you. I feel like there's this big thing inside my chest."

"You should talk to me," she whispers back. She says that a lot, and I know I should, but I can never get myself to do it. I can't even form the words that I need to begin.

"It's nothing. I was just mad about the letter. I'm sorry." We get into the car and I put my seatbelt on. The street is so small that you can't turn a car around; you have to reverse out because it is a dead end. I see Tara talking to Tommie then before he comes stalking up the road. He shouts something and I don't hear him. I stop the car and roll down my window. He is waving whatever tool it is in his hand at me and yelling.

"I can't hear you," I yell back, the fuse inside me lighting and the impending explosion inevitable.

"You think it's cool to shout at my missus?" he is saying. "This is why we reported you."

That's all I need. I stop the car, yank up the handbrake and jump out. "Leave it," Joanne yells with dread in her voice, scrambling out after me.

"I knew it was you," I shout. "I swear I'm going to put your face through next week."

He dares me to come get him and the bomb inside me explodes. I can't see anything but Tommie as I come at him at a dead run. I can hear shouts and yells, but they aren't going in. Someone grabs me and then somebody else until it feels like I have a hundred people trying to hold me back. "Get off me," I roar as they force me back and away from Tommie. Tommie starts for me then, but someone grabs him and holds him back, too.

"Go and calm down," someone says to me evenly. I have no idea who he is. "Whatever it is, it isn't worth it, son. Go and calm down a bit."

Joanne clutches my hand. She is nodding and agreeing with the man, her eyes wide with alarm.

"Okay," I accede through gritted teeth. "Okay."

***

For a few days I avoid Tommie and Tara, and they avoid me. I don't know if Joanne has seen or spoken to them, and I don't ask. I have an exam coming up for college for the end of the year. It is one of the advanced ones, and if I pass it, then I can get onto third year and take a diploma. I have spoken to my tutor, and after my diploma, I can do my teaching degree and teach craft bakery at college. The idea of it seems more real now. I have never imagined I could teach people, or that I could be like those who have taught me, but it is almost real. Sometimes I find myself dreaming about it, but then I get afraid. Afraid that it won't happen and something goes wrong. Something usually goes wrong with me... But I can hope.