Drowning thoughts

Sinking feelings

Everything felt wrong.

Everything was wrong.

Katsuki sat up against his wall, holding his hair in his hands. His grip was firm. He curled into himself. Shudders ran through his whole body, intense and non-stop, like he could feel it in his fucking bones.

The war is over. He should feel better, but fuck, he feels so much worse. Nothing has ever felt more wrong in his whole life. Nothing has ever felt more horrible.

Everything always felt wrong ever since he was a child. He couldn't exactly explain why. He had everything. Good parents, an outstanding quirk, friends, and honestly whatever he could've needed.

Even with this, as a kid things never felt right. And they certainly didn't feel right now. And that was absolute bullshit, because things finally started to feel normal. He was fixing things with Izuku, he was fixing himself, he was trying his absolute hardest to not be a piece of shit. And now all of that was gone.

Maybe not all of it, but it certainly felt like it. Izuku was going to lose his quirk. Izuku was going to lose his fucking quirk!

He couldn't help the tears that stung his eyes and began to blur his vision. He pulled on his hair tightly, trying to push himself into the wall as much as possible. Maybe he would somehow dissolve into it and disappear.

Maybe he would feel weightless if that happened. Letting himself sink away somewhere and never to be let out again. Floating in space he would probably feel at peace, or maybe a body of water. Maybe he could sink so far down into a deep sea and feel all the feelings that were too much to comprehend wash out of him as the waves crashed over his sinking, drowning body. He wouldn't be able to fight away the waves, his palms wouldn't dare to explode under the water to try and save himself; his sweat would wash away with the rest of his mind. Maybe he would feel at peace.

That probably wasn't a normal fucking thought to have, at all. Definitely not.

His whole body was drenched in sweat at this point, his head pounding. His heart pounding.

His heart was pounding against his chest. It was beating. Not a steady pace.

Maybe it would explode out of his chest again from all the stress.

That thought definitely didn't help. He moved his hands desperately away from his hair in a quick motion, now gripping onto his shirt and pressing down hard where his heart was. He had to make it stop.

Had to make it stop. What was he even stopping? Fuck. Who knows.

His heart was probably fine, and somewhere deep in the back of his head he knew that.

The rest of the swirling thoughts in his head kept the lingering idea that it was in-fact okay from coming to the surface of his brain.

His whole body was wildly trembling. His only thought at this point that his heart was exploding. He was going to die.

He was okay with dying in the war. It was practically a suicide mission, he knew he wasn't gonna make it out of that shit.

He should be okay with dying now too, if that's whats happening anyways.

No, that's not what the fuck is happening.

He can't seem to get the thought of dying out of his head. It kept playing on loop.

His absolute panic only worsened. And, the panicking definitely wasn't helping with his heart pounding against his chest.

Everything about this was making him panic. Every lingering thought and feeling he ever had was crashing into him full force like the waves he felt himself so desperately wanting to drown in.