F@#! You, Metaphorically.

Rest

I think it's what we look for all the time.
Sure, happiness is up there too.
But rest?
Rest after a long day of laughing too much,
after crying until our eyes have gone dry,
after feeling nothing at all..
We look for rest.

I guess my long day was different than what I described.
I wanted to laugh and cry but I felt absolutely nothing at all.
Numbness consumed me and I wanted to just feel something rather than the dull ache of it.

They say 3 am is when your body is closest to dead,
that it's the best time your body gets to repair itself. Keep things going.
3 am is usually when I wish I was dead,
or when I wish I could live rather than just being alive.

But once, just once, 3 am is when I got my best rest.

I don't think I could ever explain to you how soothing it is to listen to someone's breathing as you drift to sleep,
positive that you're not alone and entirely reassured because you can hear someone else.
But I also felt entirely on edge.
I threw myself between half asleep and half awake for 5 hours,
constantly waking up and preparing myself for it to be over.
Because nothing as good as this could ever happen to a person like me.

Truthfully, he didn't end it.
He wasn't the one to press end on the call.
It was me.
I ended the call and rolled over to stare blankly at the ceiling, counting how long I could hold my breath because I was entirely convinced that this good thing was a mistake.
I ended the call because I don't think I could handle it an hour later when he woke up and realized he'd made a terrible mistake.

But I don't think I've ever slept so well in my life.

I just don't think it'll happen again