The Fall - A Newt Fanfiction

Chapter 4

I started to run the maze by myself a week after I started training.
"Newt," Mihno said to me, before we set out into the maze one morning. "I think you are ready to go into the maze alone today, do you agree?" I enjoyed my time with Mihno, but I really wanted to get in the maze alone so I could feel like I was doing something important all by myself instead of with the help of Minho.
I nodded hastily.
"Do you really think I'm ready? I thought that training would take longer."
"Yeah, you're a fast learner and there isn't much to teach you anyway. Running the maze is pretty simple, just make sure you do it right or you will probably be squashed by a griever!"
So I took off into the maze, excited to forget all my worries once again. I had my hopes up that I would find something key to escape the maze, and then all the gladers would practically worship me.
Well, I wasn't really doing it for all the gladers. Sure, I wanted to help them get out but the person I wanted to impress most was Alby.
Stop being selfish. You should be doing this for everyone, to help us get out. Not to impress anyone.
I took a deep breath and emptied my mind- I didn't want to get distracted from the running and take a wrong turn- and concerntrated on my breathing.
At the end of the day I found that Mihno was right when he said that the maze was the same everyday, and that it was unlikely that I would find anything. My hopes crushed, I sauntered back through the maze doors.
I had found the maze less interesting than I thought it would be, even though I was running alone. I was scared if the grievers, even though I know that they only really come out at night, and only very occasionally did a runner get stung. When I asked Minho in training, he said:
"The last time someone was stung in the maze was a long time ago, just before I arrived in this shuck hole," this calmed me a little, though I was still wary of it.
That night, my dreams changed from the usual nightmares. However they were still just as bad. I was in the maze, when I heard noises coming from behind me. I kept checking but there was nothing there. Suddenly, a griever would drop down right in front of my from nowhere and I would have to fight it. Soon, Alby arrived (although he wasn't even a runner) and he tried to help me. The griever killed him. Then whilst I was distracted with him the griever would come and kill me. That was when I would jerk awake.
I need to stop these feelings for Alby. It's not right, no one else feels like this.
My feelings for Alby increased the longer I was living in the glade. I never told him, and I tried to avoid him to try and stop them developing any further. I tried to convince myself that I didn't have feelings for him, and I thought it had worked until I looked at him at breakfast the next morning and all my attempts crumbled.
I was still completely disgusted with myself though.
I have to fix this.
I sat there and forced myself to say the word that I had been trying to ignore for so long.
Gay. I am gay.
The words felt horrible in my head, I knew that it wasn't right.
No I am not. I need to fix this otherwise I will be though. I must tell myself that everyday until it is true. It's probably just a phase anyway.
So everyday whenever I saw Alby, or whenever I was thinking about him I would say to myself:
I am not gay. I am not gay. It is disgusting. No one else is gay and neither are you.
My self esteem lowered and lowered with everyday, and I knew deep down that it wasn't working. I kept at it though, and soon what I was saying to myself became more and more horrible.
Gay is revolting, and I know it. I need to stop this stupid attraction, it's not natural. I am such a piece of klunk.
Most of the time I ended up crying myself to sleep, because all the hateful things running around in my head would not fade away.
I wish I wasn't here. I would rather be anywhere but here. Maybe if I wasn't here I would be normal. And even if I wasn't, surely there would be someone to help me snap out of it.
I got about two hours of sleep per night, and with a tiny appetite and running in the maze all day, I wasn't doing very well physically either.
The next day in the maze, I struggled to get all these thoughts out of my head.
I cannot do this.
But I knew that I had to, so I carried on.

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Just a quick disclaimer: I have nothing against homosexuality at all, I am just trying to make Newts experience with his feelings as real as possible. I felt terrible as I was writing this, everything said here is definitely not true.
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