TLOU: Lose Myself (Oneshot)

Lose Myself

Ellie sat in bed hugging her own knees. She'd been in this same position for the last hour, unmoving, staring out her window at the stormy night in Jackson. Their house was situated at the base of the mountains, one of the furthest from the town center. Surrounding trees lurched and shuddered in deep green waves against the battering storm. Rain pelted against the window. The snow-capped mountains were occasionally visible by brief flashes of lightning, and the room was dark save for a small, orange candle.

Her face reflected faintly back at her through the window. She could hardly recognize herself anymore. It'd been almost a year since they'd returned to Jackson, but Ellie still felt like she was back on the road with Joel, trying to put distance between her and Silver Lake. Still trying to escape.

She didn't know what she was supposed to look like, but whoever was looking back at her surely wasn't right. She leaned her forehead against the glass, which fogged at her touch. Cool washed over her. The rain calmed her. The sound of it stilled the shaking of her hands when the nights reflected her fears instead of swallowing them.

She tried to fight the fatigue. Tried. Kept trying until she was slumped against the window, falling, her nightmares reaching up to meet her.

------

The gun goes off. Henry falls. The gun goes off. Henry falls. The gun goes off. The gun goes off and Sam's body comes back alive just to do it all over again.

Eventually the gun goes off and Joel's the one holding it. The gun goes off and Joel's aiming it at Ellie. In the silence following, he puts the gun up to his chin and pulls the trigger. He does this again. He does this again until the nightmare resets.

Now Ellie's holding the gun.

Now Ellie's pulling the trigger, the barrel flush with her temple.

The next nightmare is a memory. Just after David and the fire. The winter was brutal and fierce around them as they tried to put distance between themselves and what happened. Joel's arm around Ellie's shoulders, his whisper, "It's all right baby girl, it's all right." She was cold and hot all at once. Wanting to be held and never wanting to be touched again.

Joel kept trying to get them to stop but Ellie refused. They walked far past nightfall. They kept walking until she was too weak to continue. Joel led her by the arm until they found shelter in a small shack with one wall half-collapsed. The smoke from their fire escaped through there.

They sat side by side but didn't speak. Joel offered her food and she refused it, though he didn't eat either. His wound was still bothering him, though he didn't move to address it. Ellie should have. Would have under different circumstances.

She'd always known the world could do worse, but she hadn't known how much worse. It could rob you. Beat you. Kill you. Steal all that's good. Worse, after all that, it could keep you alive. The realization frightened her. If you lived you kept open the possibility of everything painful.

The hurt she carried from Sam and Henry twisted into something dark and curious. She felt it coiling in her chest. Morbid. Moving. Wrong yet real.

Maybe Joel sensed something shifting inside her. Maybe he just couldn't take the silence any longer.

"Are you warm enough?" Ellie nodded absently. He looked like he wanted to say more. His jaw twitched, his hand flexing and fisting over and over. "Do you want to sleep?"

She wanted to sleep so she could stop thinking about it. But if she slept she didn't know what she'd see. Joel had always done his best to protect her. After he'd found her he'd told her, "Never gonna let anyone hurt you. Never. You hear me? I'm never leaving you again."