How I Fell in Love

Wonderland Part I

Our second and most memorable encounter, the one even you remember was the Wonderland trip. A trip that I wasn't even going to attend because I was too afraid to ask my parents for money, or a ride. My delusions about you were sky-high that day, which was a very unnatural look for me. It's safe to say I was very attached. Attached to someone I hardly knew, but already fell for. And I can say that with confidence because you occupied my thoughts for the rest of the summer.

The story begins with Shannon inviting me out of the blue to attend. I was surprised and confused. I hadn't texted her in months and I figured she just didn't like me. Her intentions were shady, my initial thought was 'She sent the message to the wrong person.' I did accept, although my gut was saying not to. My anxiety over being tricked or used was high and as always, I was right.

The day of I was so anxious that I arrived early to the school, an hour before what was planned. I waited outside because I wasn't sure if the school was open for me to wait inside. Shannon wasn't answering my texts, and I knew nobody else that would be coming. So I waited for what I think was almost three hours (very early), turns out everyone was late and I was now very sweaty from the hot weather. Ben was waiting inside with Ezekiel and I think you were there, I don't quite remember. It made me even more uncomfortable, of course, I was stuck with the guys and couldn't socialize with them. This is where I began paying more attention to you, at least a little bit. I still didn't know you, but you were already in my head with the foolish girl fantasies swirling around.

When we were finally getting ready to leave, I did have a brief thought, a hope that I rather be in your vehicle than Shannon's. It was a harmless crush, and I wasn't going to straight out ask to switch drivers when I didn't know anyone. After the experience with her driving, I wished I said something because I was not going to be comfortable enough to get back in her car. Unfortunately, I had no other choice.

At the beginning of that day, I didn't socialize with you. Like most of the group, I didn't know anyone but Shannon, Ben and Negin. I, as always felt like the random who was invited as a placeholder. Shannon didn't make an effort to talk to me. The ride there and the whole day I struggled to socialize with anyone. When I separated from the larger group with Shannon and Natasha I ended up being the one riding alone with a random person. I expected it but didn't want to guilt either of them.

I really regretted going. It was just as I predicted. I was an extra, just as I had been in high school, and elementary school. I was floating through life with no anchor to hold me down. No sense of security. Nobody to keep me company. It was actually sad seeing myself go through it all over again. I didn't want the ghosts of my past to haunt me for life, but I had no power that day to leave.

You started to creep into the picture around mid-day. Everyone decided to skip lunch for one of the bigger roller coasters, and I just wanted food. My mind was thinking about eating and I was very worried I wouldn't be because I'm a picky eater. It also happened to be the day I only brought cash and didn't have my card. Which caused the start of my panic attack, since nowhere accepted cash.

First, when separating I was thinking 'Omg, I'm going to be ignored again.' But you also decided to go for lunch, so I had someone else who might not be included in the conversations. Instead of going for food, we ended up on the carousel which was torture because the ride didn't start for awhile and at that point, I was starving and thought everyone could hear my tummy grumble. I think that this was the moment I started to feel attraction. It wasn't to your appearance or anything like that, I was falling in love with you and how you treated me. We were stuck together, conversing and I could only think of you, and food of course. The carousel was a change of pace, compared to the rides I had been getting on. My head was doing circles so I loaded up on meds beforehand in prep for the nausea. It was calming but still hard to focus.