Heartdriven: Too Driven To Drive

15. None The Wiser

The days were spent like that and soon passed until it was time to leave for Jerez, and Alice finally could get back to work with her beloved camera. Sebastian had bought it for her after her old camera broke, and she was grateful for it... for everything. But as her work was expanding, she wanted to save money to buy an additional camera for broader options, when she was running around the paddock, going from up close to distance. Often, the lens changes weren't fast enough for her satisfaction and she felt too much time missed.

Arriving in the paddock with Sebastian, she tried to avoid getting close to the Ferrari garage. It was inevitable that she would see Fernando eventually, maybe she just wanted to postpone it for as long as possible. He had made it very clear that he did not want to see her anymore, and she felt kind of bad to return with a ring on her finger without talking to him first. But would he even have wanted that? Should she even wave at him when she saw him? Maybe he was avoiding her just as much.
Sebastian had to go to his briefings before the first day of testing and Alice got herself and her camera set up in the garage. She was approached by one of Sebastian's mechanics, Ole. He had been with Red Bull since the beginning, but Alice always trying to stay out of their work in the garage, this was the first time directly talking to him without Sebastian's presence. "I see congratulations are in order."
She instinctively and nervously grabbed her stomach and that thing she was not thinking about, but looking down at herself she saw the sparkling on her finger and realised what he had been referencing, "Thank you. Yes. We didn't make it a big thing, so I would appreciate if you could just..."
"... Keep it to myself?", finishing her sentence. "But others are going to notice that too, if I did," pointing at her finger.
She discreetly leaned forward, "Should I take it off?"
"Is it a secret?"
"No. No," shaking her head over and over.
He sighed but still tried to keep her thoughts in check, "People in the paddock are going to talk no matter what, but I think they will just be happy for you guys."
"I don't like the attention." She was looking at her wedding band, stroking it with her thumb. She actually didn't want to take it off.
"I know. You always move like a shadow with your camera. But Sebastian is Sebastian, and he..."
Attempting to finish his sentence like he had done to her, "... likes attention?"
"Gets attention, I was going to say. But your word works too," his smile spread and gave her a comforting pat on her shoulder. He always treated her kindly while she was witnessing his banter with Sebastian. She had gotten used to the camaraderie in the Red Bull garage, long forgotten how intrusive she had felt working with Fernando. Caring more about winning than environment.

The first few sessions of testing... did not got well. Sebastian was letting the frustrations get to him, and it was turning out like he had feared from all the simulator sessions. He did put on a happy face when they returned to hotel room in the evenings, but lurking in the shadows as Ole had said, she saw the wrinkle between his brows grow deeper.
He didn't like the car or the engine. The steering was awful, but he barely got to feel it as the car broke down after every few laps he did. And in the lunch break during one of the days, it got too much for him.
They were alone in his motorhome room and he had been quietly eating, feeling her eyes observe him. She could tell he didn't want to burden her, but she just wanted to communicate with him. "So Daniel is in the car next?"
"Hopefully. If they get it up and running again. I wish he would just do the rest of the days, so I don't have to sit another lap in that car," using his lettuce as an excuse to mumble.
It felt like a new experience to hear him speak such downbeat, "Is it that bad?"
"Worse."
She didn't like his tone and abandoned her pasta. "Have they worked on the steering after your suggestions?"
"It goes beyond that... the whole car... I don't feel at one with it," continuing to pick at his salad.
She leaned carefully forward on the couch, as he was sitting by the table, trying to feel closer to him, "Does Daniel agree with you or are your suggestions working against each other?"
"Daniel doesn't know what a real car feels like," he shook his head with an eyeroll, leaning back in the chair. 
"It doesn't feel like a real car?"
"Correct. That's it," he crossed his arms but kept a finger pointing forward through his sentence, "It doesn't feel like a car, a proper machine. It feels fake and artificial. I can't put any trust in it because I can't feel it. It doesn't feel like the sport I love."
"Sebastian, I—", he interrupted her, "If I can't feel my love for the sport, then what's the point in continuing?"
"You don't mean that."
His voice began raising a bit by each word, "Maybe I do. I would rather leave right now than step another foot inside that car's cockpit."
"Don't be so disillusioned. Talk to Adrian, tell him how you feel about the car, not just complaining about what is wrong with it," still trying to reason with his concerns. 
"But everything is wrong with it! It's fucking awful!", now his voice was fully raising with his shouting aimed at her direction. She did not appreciate that.
"Hey!", she erupted with a snap.
Shaking his head again, he began collecting the remains of his lunch, his tone brushing everything off, "You know, I'm just going to leave. I can't deal anymore with this. We can go back home and think about anything but F1 because I am done."
"I can't just leave. I am getting paid to be here... as are you, I might add," she stayed put in the couch as he pouted around the room.
Once again, the fury of his words were directed at her and the continued raised tone was starting to get to her, "The car doesn't even work! What the fuck am I supposed to do?"
"So you're just going to abandon the whole team? They worked hard on this and I'm sure it's not fun for them either, when the car can't even drive a whole lap. The least you can do is support them as the face of the team," possibly not the best idea to guilt trip him, but she had to get some sense into him.
Up and down, his voice went down again, hiding his meaning, "They're not the ones who have to drive the thing."
"And you are not going to give up, you're going to suck it up and get back in that car! Work with what you have in your hands until you can work beyond that," feeling forward with her hands grabbing in the air in suggestion. Grabbing to find an argument herself.
He chuckled at her failed analogy, "What does that even mean?", making her match his earlier tone.
"It means do your fucking job! And do your best. But if you can't do that, then fine, leave. But I'm staying," crossing her arms back at him, as she remained planted.
"No, I don't...", he looked ashamed and down, not able to find his next words.
And then came the bad feelings for pushing him, "Okay. Okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to diminish your feelings with the car. That wasn't fair... I know it hasn't been easy for you," reaching her hand for him, he took it and she pulled him to sit in the couch next to her. Already feeling more calm having him next to her. 
"I have probably had too much on my mind lately, and usually I would look forward to get back into the car to clear my head. Now I am looking forward to getting out of it. It feels strange," his eyes were big and expressive, but not showing themselves directly to her, but looking at her hands as he was stroking them.
"Babe, I'm sorry. We'll figure it out," lifting his hands up to her mouth, she kissed that golden ring on his finger, "Listen, uhm... Daniel is in the car for the rest of the day. Why don't you just... go back to the hotel room and cool a bit off, then I'll come later after work. I don't want you to go home without me. But I also can't leave right now."
Finally looking back to her, his eyes were shining yet again, warming her heart. "Yeah, I know. I'll go tell Christian I'm leaving for the day." 
"And I'll get a ride from Daniel."
As she had done before, he took her hands to his mouth and kissed her wedding ring back, "I love you, Alice."
"I love you too," giving him as kiss on the cheek. 
Sometimes their arguments felt too easily solved. But the last thing she wanted to do, was to argue. They had nothing to fight about, it was not a conflict between them, he just needed to vent a bit, but she couldn't let him beat himself too much down about the situation of the car. Racing was his passion, and the way he was speaking about it felt so foreign, it couldn't be genuine but just a spur or the moment. But it was something to keep an eye on for the future, if his passion would remain the same, had he nohing to fight for.

Sebastian managed to escape for the rest of the day and the following, as Daniel continued his testing session, so Sebastian would get the final day for himself. Once again, the car was unreliable and he left after it broke down the first time, and they wanted to put Daniel in the car for the rest of the day. They did not manage to get it fixed for the afternoon session and therefore Red Bull's first pre-season testing ended on an all-time low.
The next test in Bahrain was just a few weeks away, and after that, a month until the season kicked off in Australia.
Red Bull had a lot of work to do.

They didn't head straight home after the test, but went with the team to Milton Keynes. The guilt trip on Sebastian had worked, and he went back to the factory with a brave face. Alice joined them the first day to photograph a bit behind the scenes, but got the rest of the days off.
The back and forth had been rough on her, she needed a bit time to get back in the groove. But she was excited at the prospects of finding the groove, and focusing on just that. Nothing else. No no. There wasn't nothing else trying to distract her. Especially not the thing she was not thinking about.
She still couldn't feel anything, only the recurring sore breasts. Sometimes she felt bloated, like she had gained more weight. Other times she was sick. But it never got further than raising concerns elsewhere than with herself. And Sebastian's suspicious eyes.
Forcing herself to explore a bit with her little digital camera around Milton Keynes, she returned to the apartment feeling sweaty and humid. Her hips felt a bit strained, she needed a hot shower. And that was when it happened. Water washing down her legs, her hand felts up her thighs and returned with flowing red streaks and the dream that never was, was over.
She had finally gotten her period.