Marks of Salvation | Ivantill {Alien Stage}

Traces of Tenderness

They were testing new meds on you. Again. 

And as I knew, you would be here. 

 "We've ended repetitions for today," said I silently sitting near "they wouldn't search for you". 

No respond. So I'm wondering if it hurts... Those new drugs make you aggressive, the last time it was a lot of my blood on the floor. And I know you don't want Mizi to see you in that state so keep running away in that quiet place. 

Deep breath, "Could I?" I said it nearly hesitantly, the marks from the fight still hurt a little... I was trying to get closer, learning your reaction. "How are you feeling?" moving away from thoughts you change your rapid eye movement on me, softly laying your head on my shoulder. And now I can hear your ragged breathing. 

Oh? Everything that bad that you couldn't even drive me away? Clenched teeth and white knuckles saying it better than words. 

The rare moments I could be so close to you and relive your pain at least a little, give some rest from everything... at least I'm trying even if you hate me. You huddle so I'm covering your cold shoulders with my cloak. 

That sleep is filled with convenience looking fitfully and shallowly. Last time it was the same so I tried to touch your head, checking if the body temperature is just right. It looks like everything is not that bad. Oh, seems I've disturbed your already superficial sleep. Your drowsy eyes with bright star reflections are mesmerising... as always were. I brushed your cheek gently, knowing full well that it was unnecessary. But today I couldn't deny myself. And of course, those beautiful eyes are glancing at me crossly now. 

As I ruined such a peaceful moment I leaned my back against the tree behind me and raised my eyes to the stars. A moment of dead silence and then I heard a rustling sound from above. 

Suddenly the night sheet went spinning around and thrown to the ground I took a deep inhale prepared to be beaten again. Sharp pain in my neck and nothing more. Night silence, my heart beating and your heavy exhales. That's surprising and I open up my eyes with caution. I was expected to see your furious look which always takes my breath away. These are the only moments when you are sincere and don't take your eyes off me. But instead — you are so close and I couldn't even capture your dilated pupils as you forced me to kiss. Being in absolute shock and stupor, I jerked back. But I quickly succumb to your pressure and take the initiative. My lips are hurting so bad as you biting it chaotically. But that's new. Unbelievably new. My thoughts beginning to fight over temptation and guilt. Tsk, damit, I won't get so far, just a little kisses. But your tiny fingers shattered apart my plans. As in a moment you started sneaking under my shirt unbuttoning I let out a strangled wheeze. I don't understand are you in your mind right now, or was that drug aphrodisiac or something?

Oh...I see now.

It doesn't look like you have at least some pleasure and desire by touching my chest nor you don't look like someone who doing it with freedom of choice. Learned, mechanical movements.. you look like you trying to satisfy your owner now, drugged and weak-willed. I can see you swallowing a sip of nausea and disgust every time, every touch. Sickening. I don't want to see you like that. I start to taste bitterness, feeling disgusted with myself. Making only one right choice in that situation — stopping you by gently taking you by the wrists and pushing you away from me. 

"Till.. "

Looking into your running, slightly disoriented eyes, I see that you are expecting a blow. Tensing your whole body, but resolutely not looking away. 

"That's me, Till", I hug your shoulders, trying to gently cover you. Hearing the bouncing heart rate and as it gradually started to calm down.. I had a feeling that I was doing something right for a long time. Such disturbing moments of silence are the only thing valuable in my life. Every time I'm afraid to move as if all this haze of my unspoken desires will instantly disappear..