What is happening..

Made it through, again.

I wish I knew who I was. I wont give a whole speech on my feelings and backstory and I'll just start with this week and go from there. And if we need to go back, we will later.

Friday April 19 2024.

   Boring as any other week in my life, not entirely bad..except for Pixi and Zola. I feel like it's my fault they became some close almost romantically but it still pisses me off. I'll start from the beginning of the week to save some confusion.

Monday-Friday

Another day another FUCKING TERRIBLE MEMORY. Pixi just explained to me the week before that she had feelings for someone new. Of course I support her and I'm really happy for her....except Zola is the person. I dont have any feelings about it but as the week continues it just feels worse and worse like it's eating me inside and out and I have no idea why. Zola keeps asking me to make sure Pixi still likes her and it only pisses me off more everytime she asks. Maybe I just have some sort of envy for no specific reason.

Hex: Bro I think Zola wants u. She js wants to make sure ur ready, she was talking abt it earlier.

Pixi: Huh? Wdym?

Hex: Wdym wdym. Use ur brain.

Pixi: What did she say?

Hex: she wanted me to drop hints that she likes you back

Pixi: idk if im ready for a relationship yet, but I really want her so bad

Hex: Alrighty

Pixi: DONT TELL HER THOUGH

Hex:....Oops

Pixi:...DID SHE READ IT??

Hex: YEAH

Pixi: UGGGHHHHH I HATE UUUUU

Hex: I LITERALLY HELPED YOU. SUCK MY DICK.

Pixi: NOOO I WANTED TO JS DATE HER PLATONICALLY AND FLIRT ALL THE TIME I DONT WANT HER TO FEEL BAD

Hex: Bro what.      SHE DOESNT FEEL BAD SHE LITERALLY WANTED TO MAKE SURE U WERE OKAY AND COMFORTABLE

Pixi: U MESSED EVERYTHING UPPPPPP

Hex: FINE THEN FUCK YOU I WAS TRYNA HELP YALL

Pixi: ITS NOT UR RELATIONSHIP

           Technically it's not yours either..

Hex: FINE ILL STAY OUT OF IT.

I think I fucked it up and if it doesn't work I feel like it'll come back on me. Still they continue to send me stuff about them flirting (gross) and Zola keeps asking me to make sure Winter still wants her.
I guess reassurance isn't enough but if I get yelled at because they can't talk to each other one more time I'm dropping outta both their lives..and maybe even my own.
On the other hand, there's a boy at school I wanna be friends with, Mav. He transferred from a different country and luckily he can understand english he just doesnt speak it very well. We've talked a few times and he's pretty chill and quiet but I just feel bad everytime I see him alone, though I think he prefers to be that way. I've talked to Lee about it and I think he wants me to be his friend..

Hex: Is it weird if I get Mav a gift tmr? Just like a candy bar or a drink or smth

Lee: DO IT

Hex: Oh-

Lee: DOITDOITDOITDOIT HE PROBABLY FEELS REALLY LONELYYYYY

Hex: I KNOW BUT IT ALSO SEEMS LIKE HE NEVER WANTS TO TALK TO ANYONE

Lee: BE HIS FRIENDDDDDDDD

Hex: OKAY OKAY ILL TRY

I ended up giving him the candy bar and my number. Man was it really awkward. It kinda just went down like, "Hey I felt bad your always alone so I got you this and if you ever want to talk here's my number"  then he goes, "Ok.." then he gave me a slight smile and we kinda just laughed about it a bit, then I walked away.
He seemed kinda happy, he even talked in a small group with some of my other friends. Is it weird to say I feel kind of proud? No that is really weird nevermind.

Back on the topic of Zola and Pixi, I dont want them together. And not for my own personal feelings..I dont think..but for Pixi. Pixi is the best girl I know, she's caring, assertive, pretty, funny, talented, romantic, cool, and overall just an amazing friend, an even better girlfriend.
I'm proud to say I would know but everytime I think back to that time I feel only shame and confusion.
I can't picture Pixi with Zola, or maybe I just don't want to.
Zola is almost the total opposite of Pixi, one word I can think of to fit her as a whole is fake. And everytime I start to think better of her and gain hope she somehow does something to mess it all up, I refuse to tell her anything personal recently after something else she did to Milo.
During the week, she was talking shit about Lee twice. Saying things like "He always starts arguments" "He always tries to fix other people's problems" and even mocking him for his own issues. Words can't explain the amount of distrust and anger I have toward her, but it's not easy to drop her one bit. She's somehow always the victim then I'm stumbling over my words trying to prove myself so that I'm not the shitty person, I am in the end.  A lot of the time I question if I'll ever end up like that and hope that I never do. There's not much to this week and especially not this day. In the end, I'm surprised I made it through again.