I Believe In Us - (McPricely)

Chapter 6

   Without giving a chance to even let him react, Connor began to ramble, "and I'm sorry, I know, I've tried forever to not, but I realized there's nothing I can do to fix my—"

   Kevin immediately shushed him softly in an attempt to calm him down, placing a reassuring hand on Connor's shoulder, which finally cut him off. "You don't need to 'fix' anything. That's not something you can change, and it's okay." He was shocked that something as simple as that had been driving Connor crazy his entire life. And he was sickened by the fact that someone had drilled the idea that what he felt was wrong so badly into his mind.

   Connor quickly wiped away the tears which were now beginning to roll down his face. All he could do was wonder what he'd done to deserve someone so supportive. "T-Thanks," was all he was able to choke out through his light crying, now turned sobbing.

   "Oh shit— I mean crap. Why are you crying?!" Kevin panicked, immediately pulling him into a hug. Within seconds Connor began soaking his shirt in tears. "Connor there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!" He added, nearly laughing at how absurd it felt to him. Connor was incredible. He couldn't comprehend why someone would ever tell him there was a single thing wrong with him, or why he'd ever see anything wrong in himself. All Kevin was able to see was a bright encouraging smile, accompanied by the most charming personality he'd ever encountered. He didn't care that he was gay, why would anyone? Not when there was so much light to him as a person.

   "You're the first person I've ever said that to before," Connor admitted through sniffles. He didn't even bother to wrap his arms back around Kevin, he just sat with his face buried in his shoulder, letting his voice be muffled through the fabric of his shirt.

   Kevin only hugged him tighter upon hearing that he was the first. "Thank you for trusting me, I'm always here for you, don't forget that. And of course, I won't tell anyone at all," he reminded him.

   Connor leaned out of the hug, wiping the last of the tears from his face, though his eyes still glistened. "I don't plan on telling anyone else for a while. Especially not my family. They're most of the reason this is so hard for me," he said softly.

   "They didn't hurt you or anything, right? Or send you anywhere?" Kevin questioned anxiously. He'd heard about the whole "Steve Blade" story before. He wasn't sure how Connor's parents had reacted, but from what little he could gather: it certainly wasn't positive.

   "Oh no nothing like that. Everything just got... weird," he struggled to explain, "could I just tell you the full story?"

   Kevin nodded and motioned for him to elaborate.

   With a deep breath Connor began,

   All it took was a brief comment at dinner in the fifth grade to alter his parent's entire perception of him forever. Connor recalled the look of alarm their parents had given each other in the moment, and how the next day his father drove him to church to have a conversation with the priest about "the dangers of homosexuality." He didn't understand anything described to him, and he didn't understand why what he was feeling was wrong. It was all love wasn't it? And wasn't love good? He remembered crying a lot in the car, and his father yelling at him for it. Except he was harsher than he'd ever been to get him stop. Suddenly he tried to rush Connor into a plethora of "masculine" activities, ones he most likely would have enjoyed if they weren't so forced. It didn't feel like he could enjoy anything with his own father anymore, every activity seemed to have some lesson in manhood.

   One day during his middle school years, his mother accidentally told his aunt about his monthly visits with the preist to fix his little "problem." His aunt, being a gossip, told the entire family, embarrassing him for years to come. His uncle would constantly ask him if he'd been "fixed" yet, leaving Connor wondering what fixed even meant. He even had a girlfriend during 8th grade, which made everyone happy for about a week until it was back to the same cycle.